Shut Up Ed

Move on dot Ed

2004-12-23T19:40:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in every blog's life when it's time to move to a new host. For this blog, that time is now. From now on I will be posting at www.shutuped.com. See you there.

I'd like to thank the academy.

2004-12-19T02:22:00.000-05:00

I saw that Mango nominated me for a BOB award for Snarkiest Blogger. Thanks, but it looks like this bitch has a much better shot at winning. She's been whoring for it all month, and the extent of my whoring resides in this post. Too bad they don't have a biggest bastard award. I might win that.

Would you like freedom fries with that?

2004-12-18T15:29:00.000-05:00

My last review went over so well I've decided I will continue this series as long as I keep getting suggestions for products. If you want to make a suggestion, keep in mind that these reviews are only for products I have never used, and have no intention of buying

The product for this review was again suggested by Suki, who writes:

"I'm assuming it tastes like any other, but you're the reviewer."

Oh no my dear friend, W Ketchup does not taste like any other ketchup. W Ketchup tastes like it was plucked from condiment shelf of God. All the feeble attempts other companies have made at producing ketchup are put to shame by the culinary masterpiece that is W Ketchup.

From the W Ketchup website:

"The leading competitor not only has 57 varieties, but has 57 foreign factories as well. W Ketchup comes in one flavor: American."

You see, the competitor's ketchup is fowled with the bitter tang of left wing hatred towards America. W Ketchup, however, is flavored with the delicious sweat of decent hard working American factory workers. American factory worker sweat is rich in vitamins and nutrients, while the sweat of those filthy foreign ketchup factory workers is loaded with toxins and trans fatty acids.

We should all thank the good Lord for bringing us W Ketchup. Finally decent God-fearing Christians have something to put on their freedom fries. It's a good thing too, because if you use any other brand of ketchup Satan will rape you with a barbed wire dildo as you burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity. Don't believe me? Just look at this warning in the fine print on a packet of Heinz Ketchup.

So unless you want your ass to get turned into a ketchup factory, go visit W Ketchup right now, and order a lifetime supply. If you're still in doubt, just remember...Satan doesn't use lube.

I ought to be in pictures.

2004-12-12T21:20:00.000-05:00

I just found out that an old friend of mine recently set up a website. His site doesn't have much on it yet, but he does have these two videos clips from way back in 1998. Pay close attention to the credits.

5.42mb

3.93mb

You must have Quicktime installed to view.

Cargo Magazine can suck it.

2004-12-11T19:48:00.000-05:00

So I get an "invoice" in the mail from Cargo Magazine, saying that my account is past due. The funny thing is I never ordered a subscription to Cargo Magazine. I've seen this trick many times before, but this time they were rather nasty about the whole business. The invoice threatened to send my account to a collection agency. Here's the text of their letter:

Dear Edward:

Your past due account has been forwarded to my attention. Please be advised that any account that remains unpaid is turned over to an outside collection agency, and the account-holder's delinquent status will stay in effect.

If you have paid, please enclose a copy of your check, showing our endorsement and deposit number.

If not, remit payment immediately or log onto www.pay.cargomag.com

Charles Simpson
for CARGO

P.S. Once payment is received, we will send your FREE GIFT!

Oh you're going to send a collection agency after my ass over a lousy 10 dollars for a magazine I never asked for and never received? Go for it fuck nut. My credit has been in the toilet for the past 4 years anyway, so even if they did try something so stupid, I really wouldn't care.

I was going to just write them a nasty letter telling them that I don't want anything to do with their bullshit advertisements disguised as "articles", or any of their slick pop culture bullshit. But then I had a better idea. I decided to send an invoice to them, demanding that they pay me for my freelance writing services. It's a little tough to read in the screenshot, so here's the text of the letter:

Dear Charles Simpson:

You recently placed an order with my company for a 500-word article discussing the unscrupulous tactics large publishers use to intimidate people into buying their shitty magazines. If you are having trouble finding a record of this order I advise you to fire your secretary. This official looking invoice should be all the proof you need that the order was indeed placed.

Please be advised that any amount that remains unpaid will be turned over to an outside collection agency.

Edward
for Shut Up Inc

P.S. We are a big and powerful corporation with the ability to generate an invoice with a logo and everything, so you better pay up or we will destroy your credit rating and have your children eaten by lions.

I only hope they are stupid enough to send me the money.

Kettler Apollo Inversion Table

2004-12-07T22:47:00.000-05:00

Kettler Apollo Inversion Table

I've decided to add a new feature to my blog. I'm going to start writing reviews for products I have never used and have no intention of buying in the near future. I will choose the products I review based suggestions from my readers. If no one makes a suggestion, I might never do this again. Then again I might just get random suggestions from a chat room.

Suki, one of my pals from Blog Explosion, suggested the first product up for review, The Kettler Apollo Inversion Table. Volkswagen has nothing on this piece of German engineering brilliance. Who would have ever thought that a human being would want to be hung upside down by their feet? The Germans, that's who.

Originally designed for torturing Jews during the holocaust, this device was at first considered a miserable failure. The inventor, along with his lovely wife and darling children, were tossed in an oven and cooked alive for disappointing the Fuhrer. 5 days later a death camp guard named Dietrich Chiropractor climbed down from the watchtower after a long day of sniping and discovered that the device did wonders for his chronic back pain. Dietrich and all the other guards had a good laugh, and the Chiropractic profession was born.

So run out and buy one of these bad boys today, you won't regret it. With all the hours you must have spent sitting on your ass glued to a computer screen to find this site, the Kettler Apollo Inversion Table will be your spine's new best friend.

Get out of the church you stupid dyke

2004-12-02T23:46:00.000-05:00

Lesbian Minister's Credentials Revoked

Dear Irene Elizabeth,

You're here, your queer, and we're all used to it so shut your mouth. But just because you're out of the closet doesn't mean that everyone has to like you. This is still America, and people are still free to hate your stinking guts for no good reason. The majority of churches in the country don't accept your lifestyle. Tough shit. Get over it. Living a lifestyle that the church frowns upon doesn't make you anything special.

Why do you find it so important for the church to accept you anyway? What's the big deal? Can't you find God on your own? If you really need a support group to handle your spirituality why don't you start your own? Start your own congregation, find your own followers, and maybe even convert a few members from that oppressive cult to which you once belonged.

If that sounds like too much work, why don't you just find a more "progressive" church to accept you. I hear the Church of Elvis is looking for members. I don't know how the king felt about carpet munchers, but I'm sure the church is very open-minded. If not there's always scientology. They'll take anyone.

Whatever you decide to do, I beg you to please shut the fuck up, and move on with your life.

Sincerely,

Ed

I hate this clock.

2004-11-28T04:20:00.000-05:00

I'd just like to take a minute here to say that I hate this clock. Out of all the gimmicks out there for people to put on their blogs, this has got to be the stupidest. I mean, come on a freaking clock? You're really going to go through all the hassle involved, and suffer a slightly slower load time just to tell me what time it is? I'll tell you what time it is. It's time to take that stupid fucking clock off your site, and replace it with something useful, like a link to free porn.

Renegade Minivan Driver

2004-11-23T20:37:00.000-05:00

An abrupt end -- Chase culminates with crash into pizza shop

This guy must have really wanted a pizza.

NaNo madness

2004-11-21T14:30:00.000-05:00

Number of days left in November: 10

Number of words written for NaNoWriMo: 18,077

Number of words left to write before the end of November: 31,923

Number of chapters that include monkey rape: 1

Chance that the book will ever be published with that chapter: 0.05%

November is almost over, and I've got some good posts planned for when I'm done with all this NaNo madness.

I hate my coworkers.

2004-11-12T22:02:00.000-05:00

This was the inspiration for this post.

I work with two of the most annoying people on the planet. One is this redneck bitch who asks the same questions every day about ten thousand times, no matter how many times I explain something. She smells like she baths in an ashtray, and her retirement plan is to have her fat little daughter hit it big in Hollywood. Her daughter will never make it in Hollywood, because she has a bad personality and she gets lice all the time because they live in a filthy trailer.

This stupid bitch will leave a 3 minute message on someone's answering machine, and if the machine cuts her off, she'll call back to finish leaving the message. Then when she gets off the phone with someone, she pokes her ugly head out of her cubicle and repeats the entire conversation to everyone in the room.

Right across from her sits this massive tub of lard who complains about everything all day long. She eats at least two big nasty burgers from this fast food joint across the street every day, and she LICKS them. She LICKS her freaking hamburgers! It's one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen.

Someone took this fat bitch on a free trip to Las Vegas, and she complained the whole time. She didn't like the buffets because it was too difficult to get her fat ass out of her chair. She hardly left her hotel room the whole trip.

She said she doesn't watch any TV shows or movies that have children in them. She also said her son talked her into buying a 3000-dollar home theater system, but it was too complicated, so it's sitting in a storage room. I offered to buy it, and she didn't want to sell it because she "might want it some day." Then she has the nerve to complain about how poor she is all the time. To show how poor she is yesterday she ate a giant can of green beans mixed with potatoes for lunch. It made me want to vomit.

No one likes either one of these two morons, so they talk back and forth at each other. They sit there and discus their idiotic theories about every thing all day long, and I just want to kill them.

It’s not censorship stupid

2004-11-10T22:19:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, this site was deleted from the Blog Explosion rotation for offensive content. I'm not the only site that has been kicked off, but I think I took it better than many of the others.

This blog was so angry that it decided to start a boycott of BE. I found the boycott so ridiculous that I couldn't resist leaving a comment. I liked my comment so much that I felt I had to share it with my own readers. So here's what I wrote...

I think your boycott is stupid. I have 3 blogs. One was banned after an offensive post. Another was rejected outright for excessive profanity. The third was only accepted because it's just a lame photoblog. My sites were rejected, and I wish that they hadn't been, but I understand the reason they were. You have every right to launch a boycott, but I think it's stupid, and here's why.

Censorship is when someone prevents you from expressing yourself. No one has prevented you from expressing yourself. BE is a business, and they have decided that your content is not appropriate for their forum. That is their opinion, and they are entitled to it.

As you stated, BE tells you up front that they will not tolerate "offensive" content. Then you complain that they are the ones who define "offensive." Who else did you think was going to define it? Do you think that you should be able to decide for them? You complain that they "make it up as they go", but what else do you expect? BE hasn't been around that long, and they haven't had time to develop any such extensive guidelines.

You say your boycott is for "everyone who is concerned about free speech and maintaining the right to blog what we want." Yet no one has taken away your right to blog. Your blog is still here, it's just not listed on BE. In essence you are calling for the removal of BE's right to choose which blogs it includes in it's listings.

You are angry that BE allows sites that are full of advertisements and links. So what you are saying is that the types of sites you don't like should be banned. In other words, it's only censorship when it happens to you. Besides, BE does what they can to get rid of these sites. I rarely, if ever, see one when surfing through the listings.

You say the only benefit of BE is an artificially inflated hit count. If it is so useless, then why are you so upset that your site was banned? If it were useless, people would decide not to use it on their own without a boycott.

I think this is just a case of sour grapes. You liked BE just fine when you were using it, but when they took away your access to all that traffic you decided that it was crap to begin with.

Ohio: Hard on gays, soft on child molesters.

2004-11-06T19:24:00.000-05:00

Man, 86, sentenced in molestation case

In regards to the dirty old man just found guilty of buggering a young boy, Judge Edward O'Farrell had this to say:

"It's wrong - flat out. The effect it's had on this youngster is catastrophic. That's the almost unforgivable thing you've done. This youngster has suffered terribly because of you satisfying your sexual appetite."

After saying something like this, you'd expect the judge to hand down a good sentence, like 6 billion years in prison, or an evening with Dr, Phil. Instead Judge O'Farrell let the guy walk with 4 months in the county jail. If only the pervert, Rockwell S. Brank of 1788 Wainwright Rd, Wainwright Ohio, had a few illegal drugs in his back pocket, while little Johnny Jailbait was in his front pocket, he would have been locked away for life.

It’s over, now shut up.

2004-11-05T22:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, the election is over, now I want everyone to shut the fuck up. I'm sick and tired of hearing "Bush is evil!" and "Kerry wants to kill babies!" and "Ralph Nader raped my dog!" (Ok, so that one never gets old.) But seriously, shut the fuck up. It's over, so get over it.

The Republicans think they have found the support they need to impose their religious agenda, which they don't. The Democrats are still trying to find some evidence that Bush cheated, because they can't seem to understand how anyone could disagree with their "progressive" ideals. And I'm trying to find good a way to carve out my eardrums with a spoon, so I don't have to listen to it anymore.

Blogs, the Reality TV of the Internet.

2004-10-31T11:09:00.000-05:00

I was pondering the phenomena of Blogs today, because pondering is what pretentious asshole bloggers such as my self tend to do. I as I shuffled through the never-ending supply of blogs it occurred to me that the reason Blogs are so popular, is because they are the reality TV of the Internet. Blogs are cheap to create, their popularity stems from a focus on "real" people, and even the crappy ones can develop a following, very similar to reality TV.

When I say that Blogs focus on "real" people, I don't mean that Bloggers only talk about themselves. It's true that some bloggers will drone on and on about every tiny detail of their life, until the reader wants to shove an ice pick up his or her nose. But many popular Blogs give very little detail about the Bloggers life, and instead focus on pop-culture, or politics, or the local grade school rugby team. You name it, and someone is Blogging about it.

Reality TV is popular because it's about "real" people. Blogs are popular because they are made by "real" people. Television has celebrities. The Internet has high traffic sites. The more traffic you have on your site, the greater your celebrity. Sites like Google, MSN, Yahoo, Amazon, these are the celebrities of the Internet. They are also take an army of employees to maintain.

Then there are sites like Fark, and instapundit. They might not get as much traffic as Google, but a single person can maintain them, so it doesn't matter. These are the equivalent of reality TV celebrities. If Richard Hatch, or Darva Conger were websites, they would be Blogs.

Ok, for real this time, see you next month.

I hate Avril Lavigne

2004-10-30T01:22:00.000-04:00

Lavigne Says Fake Pop Starlets Are 'Pathetic

This blog will be on hiatus for the month of November, while I make my attempt at National Novel Writing Month. So I was surfing Google News looking for material for one more post before I start my 30-day novel, and I came across this story.

Avril Lavigne seizing on Ashlee Simpson's Saturday Night Live lip-synching snafu to ridicule her lack of talent. Are you freaking kidding me? As if Avril Lavigne is any less a creation of the recording industry. She might think she's edgy, and hip, and new, and different, but she's just a stupid teen bitch who happens to fit some tamed down corporate image of a skater chick, that a recording company figured was saleable.

I mean how edgy can you really be if you are recording the theme song to the Sponge Bob Movie? She might have a different image than the other "pop starlets" but it is still nothing more than an image. It's a carefully crafted image designed to make money, not music.

In closing, Avril Lavigne can go suck a fat one. See you next month.

16,503 less assholes.

2004-10-25T21:36:00.000-04:00

Murder toll rises in US

Every time you see a story on TV about someone who was murdered, they always interview the victim's family. They bitch and cry about how wonderful their dipshit son/daughter/cousin was. They always say things like "he was so full of life", or "she was such a beautiful caring person."

This leaves me to wonder; don't any worthless scumbags ever get murdered? Just once I'd like to see a fiend or family member say something like "Well that guy was a real prick. I'm glad he's dead, I just hope it was painful."

Sure, there are plenty of innocent murder victims. But let's face it; most people who get murdered were involved with something they shouldn't have been. Whether it was trying to cheat on a drug deal, or sleeping with another man's wife, or giving me the wrong change, most of them did something for which they deserve to die.

Free Propaganda!

2004-10-24T13:58:00.000-04:00

Stolen Honor

You've probably already seen Michael Moore's left wing propaganda, now see Carlton Sherwood's right wing propaganda. If nothing else there's some good descriptions of the torture some Vietnam Vets had to go through. These guys have some fascinating stories, no mater which side you are on. Plus you have to get a load of the way Kerry used to talk. I swear he sounds like Brando's character in Apocalypse Now.

The flu shot is bull crap

2004-10-24T13:17:00.000-04:00

You Don't Need the Flu Shot. Unless You Do

Every year I hear all this crap about the flu shot, and I'm sick of it. I've never had a flu shot, and I've never had the flu. Most people don't need a flu shot, but every year people line up like cattle to get one. It's all just a big scam by pharmaceutical companies, designed to sell medicine to people who don't need it.

Even getting the flu shot doesn't mean you won't get the flu, doctors emphasize; the success rate for the current vaccine ranges between 70 and 90 percent. And no shot, of course, can guard against the equally nasty, far more common viruses that circulate all year round

Since there are "far more common viruses" which are "equally nasty" I think everyone needs to quit bitching about their goddamn flu shots.

National Novel Writing Month

2004-10-22T15:23:00.000-04:00

I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided I'm going to participate in National Novel Writing Month. At this point I don't have a clear idea of what my story will be about. Instead I've decided just to make a list of things that I want to include in the story. Here's what I've got so far, in no particular order.

Zombies
Name one classic work of literature that doesn't have zombies? That's right, you can't.

A car chase
Who doesn't love car chases?

Aliens
For the same reason I'm including Zombies.

A school bus chase
For the same reason I'm including Zombies and Aliens.

An Army of robots
I'll need them to combat the Zombies and Aliens of course.

The Grim Reaper
He will be a good character for the cover art.

An office worker
I'm an office worker, so I figure I'll make the hero an office worker.

Motorcycles
No reason, it just seems like a good idea.

That's all I've come up with so far. Do any of my loyal readers have any suggestions about what I should include? If so, leave a comment.

No more blog explosion

2004-10-22T13:18:00.000-04:00

My last post was too offensive, so I had to delete my site from blog explosion. It was either delete the post, or take my site out of there listing. So I took my site out of their listing.

I could bitch and moan about censorship, and freedom of speech, and all that, but the fact is that they have a right to promote the sites they choose. So believe it or not I'm not mad. I still recommend this service to anyone with a blog. After all they were nice enough to let me leave my photoblog in their listings.

I Hate Your Baby

2004-10-22T10:51:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of babies. I guess it might be more accurate to say I'm sick of parents. I'm sick of people who think that having a baby is an accomplishment. Raising your child successfully so they don't turn out to be a terrorist, or a petty thief, or a used car salesman, now that is an accomplishment. Evolution has worked for millions of years to create the miracle of engineering that is the human reproductive system. That is an accomplishment. All you did was open your legs to some guy you met at a bar. That is not an accomplishment.

I also hate parents who adopt children from starving third world nations. I don't buy into that "I'm just trying to help a disadvantaged child" bullshit. You're just trying to help your image. It's the moral equivalent to a status symbol. You've got a Hummer in the driveway, and a little Cambodian baby in the nursery. The Hummer makes your neighbors think you are cool, while the baby keeps them from saying you are shallow.

The worst is people who have retarded babies. It may be challenging to raise a retard, but that doesn't make it an accomplishment. A retarded baby is the result of a failure on the part of your reproductive system. An accomplishment would have been if you had tied that little turd up in a trash bag and left it in the nearest dumpster. Then the rest of the world wouldn't have to put up with its stupid drooling ass.

Florida Power and Light can suck it.

2004-10-20T23:28:00.000-04:00

I was out of power for several days during the hurricanes. Then when I got my bill, it was twice what I expected. I got nowhere with the customer service reps on the phone, so I fired off this E-mail to them. I know it won't do a bit of good, and I'll just have to pay the damn thing, but it made me feel better anyway. Here's what I said:

My bill this month is an outrage. On average I pay somewhere around $100 a month for power. After the hurricane when the meter readers were unable to read the meter, my bill was estimated at $92.10. The next bill I got was for $205.82. You are saying that during a month when I was without power for several days, I somehow used twice as much electricity as normal.

Your customer service rep told me that my estimated bill was simply lower than it should have been, and the difference in the price was simply to make up for that. I think it's more likely that you forgot to deduct the estimated amount of 92.10 that I paid for September from the amount I have to pay for October.

This is very frustrating, because there is no such thing as an alternate power company. You know you will never loose my business and you are trying to take advantage of me. In my opinion, you are trying to recoup some of the losses you suffered from the hurricanes by double billing poor saps like me.

I hate you,
Shutuped

What kind of Asshole are you?

2004-10-20T09:59:00.000-04:00

Surfing the blog scene I see a lot of sites that have links to these stupid quizzes to determine what kind of (insert just about anything you want here) you are. It's a cheesy gimmick to get people to visit the site that is sponsoring the quiz.

I'm sick of seeing these things. So naturally I decided to come up with my own. Answer the following questions, and your score will tell you what kind of asshole you are.

When you show up to work 30 minutes late you:

A) Make up a bunch of excuses about bad traffic, or your house burning down, or having to take your kid to the hospital for 3rd degree burns after your house burned down.

B) Tell your boss that it won't happen again, even though you know it will, because you are an unreliable piece of shit.

C) Tell your boss to shut the fuck up before you break your foot off in his ass.

You get knocked up and you are completely incapable of providing your child with a decent upbringing. Do you:

A) Have the baby, go on welfare, and live in a trailer as a leach on society for the rest of your life.

B) Give the baby up for adoption, but insist that the people who raise it let you visit whenever you want, so you can enjoy all the good times and still avoid the un-pleasantries of changing a diaper.

C) Cut that demon seed out with the nearest coat hanger.

You get your girlfriend knocked up and you are completely incapable of providing your child with a decent upbringing. Do you:

A) Marry the girl, get a job at a factory to support your new "family", and live in a drunken stupor for the rest of your life?

B) Leave the girl to raise the kid on her own, and end up giving her %87 percent of all your future paychecks for child support.

C) Stab that bitch in the stomach.

When you read the previous questions did you respond with:

A) Moral outrage and disgust.
B) Mild amusement, or indifference
C) Uncontrollable laughter.

If you answered mostly A, you are a "stupid asshole." Give up now, because there is no hope for your future.

If you answered mostly B, you are a "major asshole." You might be able to avoid poverty, if you are lucky.

If you answered mostly C, break out the lube, because you are a "fucking asshole." I hope you like prison movies, because you will soon be living one.

Arabs are too perfect for nightmares part 2

2004-10-19T21:58:00.000-04:00

In response to my previous post Benjamin Solah said…

I found your post racist, the West is becoming increasingly racist towards Muslims based on the fact that people think they are terrorists, a kid would never dream of this, it's false and misleading
however depicting American's harrassing a muslim girl for what happened in 9/11 is very true and a representation of what is happening in not only America but my country of Australia too. This video is countering the false stereotypes that the republican media increasingly churns out to create a society of xenophobes

Your response only proves my point. You somehow have it in your head that the West has become some horrible place, where you see racist bigots everywhere you look. I can't speak for Australia, but in America that simply isn't true.

The media has created an image of the West, as a culture of hate and intolerance. The blame for all the world's evils is frequently placed on the straight white male. As a straight white male, I resent this.

The fact that you think a kid would never dream of blowing up an airport, shows how deeply imbedded this image is. Kids are capable of dreaming about anything. It's not unreasonable to think a girl who is repeatedly accused of being a terrorist, might have a nightmare about being a terrorist. This scenario subtly implies that the evil of the West is to blame for the evils of terrorists.

Let me make it clear, that I have no problem with the video itself. Prince can depict the KKK running the white house, and I won't be offended. Prince can depict an army of Arabs invading the country, and I won't be offended. Prince can depict my mother being raped by George Washington, and I won't be offended. What pisses me off is the media shoving its bullshit PC ideals down my throat.

Sure the video's depiction may not be fair. Of course it's incorrect to say, "All Arabs are terrorist." But I think it's also incorrect to say, "all American's are racist ignorant pig fuckers." But so fucking what? People say things that are incorrect all the time, and it's their God given right. But the media only shows moral outrage over the portrayal of certain falsehoods, and I think that's a load of crap.

Arabs are too perfect for nightmares

2004-10-18T22:21:00.000-04:00

Video scene gets Prince in trouble

So some stupid people are all pissed off because Prince has a depiction of an Arab-American girl blowing up an Airport.

The video for the song "Cinnamon Girl" shows the girl, played by 14-year-old Oscar nominee Keisha Castle-Hughes of the movie Whale Rider, facing harassment from schoolmates and witnessing racism in the wake of an attack that mirrors 9/11.

Steve Silberfarb, president of the Jewish Community Relations Council of Minnesota, said he applauds the anti-harassment message, but found a dream sequence in which the girl detonates a bomb at an airport disturbing.

"Even allowing for the right of an artist to express himself, I think it's misguided and offensive," Silberfarb said. "Her frustration is understandable. The violence is not."

So let me see if I understand this. It's OK to depict the great white American devils harassing an innocent girl. It's OK to depict Americans as ignorant assholes, with nothing better to do than go around ruining the world with their hateful racism. All of that is OK, but it's not OK to depict an Arab-American having a nightmare about blowing up an airport?

Jon Stewart kicks ass.

2004-10-18T21:40:00.000-04:00

CNN's Tucker Carlson, Jon Stewart Feuding

This is a historical moment in American politics. Jon Stewart made Fucker Carlson look like a real douche bag. I hope you have a broadband connection, because you need to see this clip.

The Great Uhrichsville Pizza Caper.

2004-10-17T10:31:00.000-04:00

3 deny guilt in break-in, pizza theft

I love this paper. There's not much happening in that part of the universe, so they cover almost everything that happens. What's even better is that they publish the full names and addresses of all the people in their stories.

They are so desperate for something to publish that they have a feature called 30-seconds. If you call (330) 364-1939, you will have 30 seconds to say whatever you want, and they will publish it. I really enjoy reading what all those white trash morons have to say.

Pretentious sidebar photos part 2

2004-10-16T20:19:00.000-04:00

I'm not surprised that the previous post struck a sour note. Especially when you consider the prevalence of bloggers who have their picture on their site, and my traffic consists of 98% bloggers. But it's my opinions, and I stand by it.

Here's what a reader had to say, followed by my response.

Astrantia said...

Just because someone puts a photo of themselves on their blog sidebar doesn't make them pretentious. I for one become curious of what people look like, not that it's relevent, but I do.

First off, I never specifically said putting up a photo of yourself makes you pretentious. I said the person in the picture always looks like a jackass. It's the photo itself that looks pretentious, and not necessarily through any fault of the blogger posing for it. I find the mere act of posing for a picture to be pretentious. It doesn't matter how you pose, you are still a poser.

And yes, I do have a photo on my sidebar ;-P

I know. You are one of the people I thought looked like a jackass.

When people use Comic Sans for their blog font I think they're a jackass. Which is why I stopped using it for my blog. But hum ho, everyone to their own ;-)

If you're trying to insult me, you should follow through with it, instead of pussing out and adding "everyone to their own."

Oh and by the way, don't you think adding ones blog to blog explosion is a teeny bit pretentious?

No, I would say it's more like desperate for attention than pretentious.

Pretentious sidebar photos.

2004-10-16T18:06:00.000-04:00

As I was surfing all the sites on Blogexplosion, it occurred to me that a lot of people have pictures of themselves on their blog. I have a photoblog along with this one, but even there I do not include a picture of myself.

The reason for this is not because I'm ashamed of the way I look. I don't have a human fetus growing from the side of my head or anything like that. I wasn't burned in a fired. I don't look like anyone you might see on Maury Povich.

The reason is because every time I see someone's picture in the sidebar of their blog I think they look like a jackass. I'll save the pretentious writer photo for the back of my book.

Devil worship a day early.

2004-10-16T16:54:00.000-04:00

Halloween on Sunday causes some troubles

"It's a day for the good Lord, not for the devil," said Barbara Braswell, who plans to send her 4-year-old granddaughter Maliyah out trick-or-treating in a princess costume on Saturday instead.

So it's OK to worship the Lord of the Underworld, as long as it's not on a Sunday?

"You just don't do it on Sunday," said Sandra Hulsey of Greenville, Ga. "That's Christ's day. You go to church on Sunday, you don't go out and celebrate the devil. That'll confuse a child."

What about all the other inconsistencies they teach in church? Won't those confuse the children as well? These must be the same people who thought the Harry Potter movies promoted devil worship.

The patchwork of trick-or-treat zones could work to children's advantage: Some might go out on both nights to get all the treats they can.

That say's it all. The kids could give a shit about the devil, they are interested in candy.

Halloween is no more about celebrating the devil than Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Christ. Halloween is about candy. Christmas is about presents. Both are about money. It's all just a clever way for Wal-Mart and Target to sell a few billion dollars worth of extra merchandise every year.

No More BS Features

2004-10-15T22:14:00.000-04:00

I was using a "tagboard" to post information about site updates, and other miscellaneous information. Now if I want to provide that information I'll put it in a real post. I did have a web poll, just for fun, but now it's gone. Why? Because more than 70% of web surfers are still using Microsoft's worthless browser. Therefore 70% or more of my readers were getting frequent pop-ups every time they visited my site.

Tagboards, web polls, and a lot of the other "free" webmaster tools available are all paid for by pop-ups. Until I come across a site that provides these tools without pop-ups, I won't be using them on my site.

If anyone knows of a good site for free webmaster tools, that don't spread a bunch of spyware, and cause a bunch of bull-shit advertising, please let me know. And please, for the love of God, switch to Mozilla. You won't regret it.

Hot Monkey Love

2004-10-15T16:38:00.000-04:00

Experimental drug blocks HIV transmission in monkeys

And here all this time PETA has been saying we shouldn't test anything on monkey vaginas. If we listen to them, we might never be able to screw monkeys safely again.

United Way is stupid.

2004-10-14T22:52:00.000-04:00

So every year the United Way tries to extort money from millions of working class stiffs all over the country. And every year the company I work for gives out prizes to the idiots who give up part of their hard earned money to this so called charity. Of course my employer doesn't buy the prizes, they have them donated by other companies, that happen to be looking for an extra tax deduction.

While this annual collection plate passes around, I get these stupid E-mails to update me on how much money they have scammed, and which prizes they have given away. It usually looks something like this:

Our New Grand Total: $10,432!
Way to go, we've almost reached our goal!
Check out the great prizes we've given away!

So let me get this straight.

Donated by suckers who make $8 per hour: $10,432
Donated by gigantic multimillion dollar companies: Baseball Hat

Eminem is too white for BET

2004-10-13T09:54:00.000-04:00

Network Pulls Eminem Video After Jackson's Protest

So BET pulled Eminem's video because Michael Jackson started crying like a bitch. Is the network somehow under the impression that Michael is still black?

Black Entertainment Television has agreed to pull the video. The network's president and founder, Robert Johnson, said he felt it was inappropriate to disparage a celebrity.

What about all of Eminem's other videos? Don't they all disparage celebrities? That's his whole gig, making fun of celebrities. I mean come on, if you can't make fun of Michael Jackson, who can you make fun of?

My Manifesto Part 2.

2004-10-12T23:26:00.000-04:00

I never realized how much fun writing a manifesto could be. Once I realized I had too many ideas to put in a reasonable size post. So here's part two of my Presidential campaign platform.

I will make it illegal for the states to require drivers to carry auto insurance. Auto insurance is a horrendous scam, and needs to be stopped. You pay these bastards hundreds of thousands of dollars over your lifetime, and as soon as you try to make a claim they raise your rates or cancel your policy. And why is auto insurance required by law, but health insurance isn't?

I will give everyone the option of wiping their credit record clean when they turn 30. If Citibank doesn't like it, they shouldn't lend money to kids just out of high school that have no idea what they are getting themselves into. I will also create an agency to combat all the other predatory lending practices utilized by all the major credit card companies.

I will make it illegal for any network to air more than 2 hours of reality TV per day. I will also make it illegal for any cable network to air more than 2 hours of shows involving lists of any type. I realize this will probably but VH1 out of business, but I don't care. I'm sick and tired of seeing shows with titles like "The 2037 Funniest Cookie Jar Related Moments of the 90s." I'm also sick of seeing the same 10 to 15 almost celebrities talking about stupid shit for 16 hours at a time.

I will make Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh battle each other to the death inside an authentic replica of Thunderdome. Of course that will happen during the fourth year of my presidency, because the first three years will be spent waiting for a special federally funded research facility to come up with bungee cords strong enough to support that kind of weight.

With these issues as the basis of my campaign I'm sure to win.

My Manifesto Part 1.

2004-10-10T19:52:00.000-04:00

I've decided I'm going to run for President of the United States of America. I've thought about it, and I've got the perfect platform. If I ever get seriously wealthy, I will run a real campaign based on the following promises.

I will fight to legalize Marijuana. An estimated 80 million Americans over the age of 12 have smoked pot at least once. That should translate to somewhere around 40 million votes.

I will come out in favor of legalizing prostitution. I will offer federal funds to for any state that wants to build a government-regulated whorehouse. I don't know exactly how many hookers there are in America, but I know the majority of them are in densely populated areas that hold higher numbers of electoral votes.

I will eliminate all federal income taxes for anyone making less than 100 grand per year. I estimate that will get me somewhere around 90 million votes.

I will deport all the illegal aliens. I will fill all the jobs they perform that everyone says no one else wants with prison labor. Of course the prison population will be considerably lower, because I will pardon everyone convicted of non-violent drug offences. This will secure the closet racist vote.

I will put the people at Google in charge of all government websites. I don't think this will get me very many more votes, but at least the government websites will finally make some Goddamn sense.

I will make executions accessible on pay-per-view. (The first person to be executed during my reign of terror will be Queen Latifa. Seriously, how much crap can be involved with before someone realizes that she has no talent?) The proceeds from these executions will all go to fund public schools, because children are our future.

Spurt! Suck One Down!

2004-10-10T13:19:00.000-04:00

This is the soda my friends and I once wanted to develop.

AOL, making crap more accessible.

2004-10-09T21:11:00.000-04:00

AOL prepares its own browser

This is a good idea. I'm sure millions of surfers out there would love to use AOL's piece of shit browser, but just can't afford the service. I know I can't count the number of times I've awoken in a cold sweat, ill with the desire to surf the net with a browser that freezes every 2.3 seconds.

I got reviewed, yea!

2004-10-07T21:00:00.000-04:00

Overall I was given a positive review, so I'm not complaining. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't offer my response. Here's what The Reviewer had to say about my blog, followed by my comments.

Layout: 5/10 Standard but unspoiled by silly side bar graphics.

I haven't put any real effort into the layout, so this is fair.

Look and feel: 4/10 Some changes have been made to the template but to be honest it could do with some more Oxy-10 to remove those spots. Plus points for not stuffing up the side bar.

He's right. Those spots in the background are stupid. Maybe I'll replace them with something worth having, or just get rid of them all together. Or maybe I'll just leave them there because I'm lazy.

Wit and amusement: 9/10 Plentiful

That's right biatch

commentary: 8/10 I can not complain

That's also right biatch

Extra: 6/10 Tag-board, Heavy linkage care of blog linker and a bravenet affiliate link (+ Counter) but this is speckled with witty side comments which make for a good side bar flow

I might add some more extra's, but only if they are good. Once I have a loyal following I may decide to ditch bloglinker all together.

This interesting and frankly down-to-earth voice in the blog-o-sphere is a nice change and so, (whilst the pop-up that offended my browsing could definitely "shut-up"), the self-referential mock-brutalistic honesty is, at least, a healthy display of post-modern cynicism and, (in addition to being more openly mockingly-sarcastic than the reviewer), it is a refreshing change from the barrage of constant Americana-politic that has come my way in recent months.

Pop-up? That's probably from the Tag board, or one of the other stupid features I have on the sidebar. I never even knew there was a pop-up, because I browse with Mozilla Firefox. I very rarely see a pop-up, even when surfing for porn. IE is a piece of shit. So unless you like pieces of shit, I suggest you don't use it.

I work with morons

2004-10-04T22:44:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm back. Hopefully done with hurricanes now. I don't mind losing power for a couple of days, but I go crazy when my Internet access is out for a week. September was the longest month ever in the history of the world. Why you ask? Well I'm a supervisor over about 12 people in a call center. The phones got a little messed up from the storm. That I have no problem with, but just read this conversation I had as a result of the technical difficulties.

Darla: I just pressed “outgoing” and I started hearing someone’s bank account information

Me: That’s just a glitch with the phone systems, just hang up.

Darla: but how did that happen? I just pressed “outgoing” and I heard “automatic deposit: $325”

Me: It’s just a glitch, hang up.

Darla: Yeah I just picked up the phone and it was someone’s banking.

Me: So just hang up, and it will go away.

Darla: But how did that happen?

Maria: Someone called their bank, and then when you picked up you got it.

Me: Just hang up.

Darla: it said “automatic deposit: $325”

Maria: Did someone call their bank?

Pam raises her hand

Me: Ok, so just hang up.

Darla: But who’s was it?

Maria: It was Pam’s

Darla: So you had $325 deposited Pam.

Me: Ok, now you’ve broadcast it to the whole room, just hang up.

Darla: Pam got $325, she’s taking everyone out to lunch.

Me: God, please let me get mauled by a rabid weasel and die in agony.

Don't Fear the Reefer.

2004-09-24T17:30:00.000-04:00

Marijuana Smoker Beheads Two Women

This is a load of crap. This is some kind of anti-pot propaganda, and here's why.

First off, if he had "overdosed" on Marijuana, he would have been far too lethargic to go around loping off heads. Not only did he have the strength to cut her head off, but he also had enough energy to run from the police and avoid capture.

Second, Marijuana doesn't make you violent. It makes you hungry, sleepy, and slightly stupid. Most of all it makes you mellow. If drugs were the only reason this guy went crazy, then he must have been using something more than just Mary Jane.

Third, it is IMPOSIBLE to overdose on pot. No one has ever overdosed on pot in the history of the world, and no one ever will. This is a scientific fact. The blood can only absorb a certain amount of the chemical in weed that makes you high. After that it doesn't matter how much you smoke, it will have no further effect.

Forth, this guy was obviously mental. Anyone who paints song quotes all over his walls is a head case, no mater what they are smoking.

Fifth, Marijuana and hemp are not the same thing. Hemp is not an intoxicant.

Sixth, those stupid old bitches probably deserved it. I'm glad they are dead. Stupid bitches.

Piss Sniffers

2004-09-23T23:32:00.000-04:00

Dogs Can Be Trained To Smell Bladder Cancer In Urine

These "scientists" spent all this time and money to teach some dogs how to detect bladder cancer. My question is why? Why would anyone do this? The dogs were 41% accurate, so I guess all the hospitals around the world can finally throw out those old unreliable dollar store bladder cancer tests they were using. Maybe next time they can teach them a useful trick, like smelling stupidity.

Miss America looks like white trash.

2004-09-19T11:25:00.000-04:00

She looks like a real estate agent, something about her just screams, "I'm going to be involved in a sex tape scandal." Could this be the year when America will see it's favorite beauty queen deep throating some scumbag in a cheap hotel room? I sure hope so.

CBS: Fair and Balanced

2004-09-16T19:42:00.000-04:00

Everyone knows that George W Bush is a poster child for nepotism. So you might not think it all that surprising that the CBS news magazine 60 Minutes aired a story about how he used the political pull of daddy Bush to not only gain him a position in the Texas Air National Guard, but also to garner special treatment while he was there.

But CBS made the mistake of using some questionable documents as a focal point of their story, and now the stations credibility is being scrutinized more than W's shaky military record. Everyone is jumping up and down yelling "got ya" at the station, because their bias has been laid naked for all to see.

George Bush got where he is because of who is parents are. Anyone who disagrees with that is an idiot. Anyone who is shocked by it is also an idiot. But anyone who is surprised that CBS has an anti-republican bias is also an idiot. Since he was elected/appointed president, 60 Minutes has aired so many anti-Bush stories the show should be renamed "The Down with W Hour."

The stories might have been true, but that's beside the point. CBS is also the network that produced the highly unflattering made for TV movie "The Reagans." And did you see the Lesley Stahl interview with the 2 Johns and their wives? That episode should have been titled "Sycophant Fest 2004." The commercials should have said "Lesley Stahl Sucks John Kerry's Cock, While John Edwards Fucks Her Ass, next on 60 Minutes." Seriously it made me want to puke.

At least since the Watergate scandal, we've known that we can't trust the government. All the outrage over memogate makes me wonder, are we just now realizing that we can't trust the media?

Sarah Jessica Parker is an ugly skank

2004-09-15T19:06:00.000-04:00

When Sex in the City first came on the air I had neither this Blog, nor HBO. If I had I would probably have said something nasty about Sarah Jessica Parker at that time. But since the horse nosed starlet of the show just started appearing a new Gap commercial, she has afforded me a fresh opportunity to comment on her ugliness.

Watching that ugly trollop prance around with that faggoty Lenny Kravits makes me want to puke. I don't care if she's a "sex symbol." Just because she dresses like a whore doesn't make her beautiful. She's an ugly skank, and she needs to be stopped.

If someone doesn't put an end to her ugly reign of terror soon, we might end up with ugly chicks everywhere thinking that they are actually attractive. If I want to look at ugly people I'll go to Wal-Mart, or watch reality TV. And there are plenty of ugly people on Reality TV (especially on Big Brother).

So someone needs to hold that bitch down and take a cheese grater to her snout before things get out of control.

Jdogunit.tk

2004-09-11T14:40:00.000-04:00

There is a large blue and orange list of links on the left hand side of this page powered by a site called bloglinker. Bloglinker is a handy way for bloggers to get traffic to their blog. Whenever I add a link to that list, a link to my site is automatically created on that site's list.

Unfortunately there is no good way to differentiate between the links I added to the list vs. the links that other bloggers added. I only bring this up because some really crappy sites add their link to my list. I could delete these links of course, but then those webmasters might delete my link from their page. I'm a traffic whore, what can I say?

Most of the sites that added their links so far haven't been that bad, and so I haven't said anything about them. Until now. A site called jdogunit.tk just added a link to my bloglinker list. It's so bad that I just can't help myself.

A 14-year-old boy put this site together. Unlike a lot of other 14-year-old boys, this one apparently has no nerd skills available to construct a simple web page. His "attempt" at a web page looks like the Geocites page creator puked all over my monitor.

I don't know whether the author added my link to his bloglinker list because he actually liked my site, or because he just wanted some traffic. Either way I don't really care. Anyone with a site that crappy should beware of linking to an asshole like me if they can't handle a little criticism.

No one cares about your dead grandmother.

2004-09-11T13:24:00.000-04:00

When I read other blogs, I always hate it when a post starts off with some statement to the effect of "I haven't posted anything in a while because…" Bloggers blogging about their own blog is just ridiculous. For me, a good blog must provide commentary on something of interest. The behind the scenes effort that goes into a blog may be of interest to the author, but it is rarely of any interest to me.

When I first read a blog, I rarely notice that date of the most recent post. If the blog is good, and I come back at a later date to find that it hasn't been updated, then I might notice that the last post is a month old. But reading a list of excuses for why the blog hasn't been updated lately makes for a poor first impression.

A posting like this might be excused if your blog is all about your day-to-day life, or if you are using it as a backdrop for some interesting commentary on life. Otherwise no one cares that your grandmother died, or that you were in the hospital for gonorrhea, or that your house burned down.

So instead of writing a post about why you haven't posted, maybe you should just write a normal post. I haven't posted anything for just over a week, but I'm not going to tell you why. If you read the past 2 posts, I'm sure you can figure it out. If not then you're a fucking idiot.

Retard Killed in Hurricane, Details at 11!

2004-09-03T23:11:00.000-04:00

I wasn't going to say anything else about Hurricane Frances, but the news around here is so ridiculous that I just can't help it. One of the local stations has set up this segment called "Ask Mike." The idea is for viewers to call him with their hurricane questions, rather than bothering the other toll free information hotlines like 911.

So Mike gets a call from this lady asking if pegboard would be a suitable material with which to board up her sliding glass doors. Mike gets a slightly concerned look on his face as he searches for words. I'm sure he didn't consider pegboard a safe alternative to say...sheet metal, but he obviously couldn't tell her that.

Mike did his best to keep the caller from panicking, without telling her that she was a moron, and therefore deserving of the debris that was soon going to fly through her window, and then through the skull of one of her 14 cats. Mike was a real pro. He managed to talk to the lady without making her panic, or giving her any advice on pegboard that could possibly end up getting the station sued.

Her first stupid question wasn't enough either. She then launched into a lengthy diatribe about the various methods she employed to protect the other parts of her house. These measures bared no resemblance to the behavior of a retard, so Mike happily approved of them hoping put an end to the call.

The lady, having been encouraged, now clearly felt she was a hurricane preparedness expert, so she decided the entire audience would benefit from disclosure of another one of her brilliant ideas. She told Mike that she had parked her van sideways in front of the endangered sliding glass doors, to help shield them from the wind.

I think Mike may have snapped a little bit here, but he did an excellent job of hiding his contempt and disbelief. "Sounds like you've really thought this all out, and you've done everything you can to prepare" he told said. "Maybe we should be getting our information from you." This was the sort of reassurance the lady was looking for, so she finally put an end to Mike's misery and finished the call.

I hope that lady's van blows right through her stupid sliding glass doors and kills her children. People that stupid shouldn't breed.

Frances can kiss my ass.

2004-09-02T13:35:00.000-04:00

Frances is coming, and I’m right in it’s path. It’s predicted to make landfall about 10 miles north of my apartment. Everyone in town is running around like a bunch of idiots spending money on “hurricane supplies” like it’s Christmas or something. It’s like an event brought to you by The Home Depot.

With all of the hysteria, I started thinking. I started wondering, where are all the environmentalists? People are buying plywood by the truck load, should they be out to bitch about all the dead trees? I wonder what an environmentalist would use to protect his or her house?

They can’t use plywood, because that involves cutting something down. I guess they could use metal, but how do they think metal comes into being? Metal doesn’t just come out of the ground in convenient flat sheets. It has to be mined, and processed, and refined, and molded, and whatever else they do to make metal storm shutters. That process requires a lot of energy, and I’m sure it causes some sort of pollution.

Anyway, I don’t give a shit about the environment, but I didn’t buy any plywood. Why not? Because Frances can kiss my ass, that’s why not. I live in an apartment that was built post-Hurricane Andrew, and my sliding glass doors weigh about 10 thousand lbs. The building is solid concrete, and the management even told us that we didn’t need to bother with putting up shutters.

So Frances can kiss my ass. I just hope my cable doesn’t go out. That would be a disaster.

Dumbass builds his own plane.

2004-08-31T21:04:00.000-04:00

Dover man's rare self-built plane to be on display

Apparently this retard didn’t realize that someone already built a flying machine almost 100 years ago. Way to go asshole.

Runner attacked by asshole

2004-08-30T22:29:00.000-04:00

Irishman Gets Suspended Jail Term for Pushing Runner

The idea that crazy people should be locked up seems like an obvious one to me. If someone ran onto the middle of a racetrack during the middle of a car race, it seems only logical that he would be locked up and heavily medicated. Maybe that’s just another ignorant American ideology.

The more “enlightened” Europeans apparently didn’t see this guy as a danger to himself or others, and their failure to incarnate him basically cost this poor runner his gold medal. Meanwhile a Canadian with goldenpalace.com painted on his back “was sentenced to five months in prison for jumping off a springboard at the diving venue wearing a tutu over tights with blue polka dots.” So what, you can only avoid prison time if your lunacy costs someone their chance at a gold medal?

The worst part is that this guy still isn’t going to be locked up. His punishment is a lousy 3000 Euro fine, a 12 month suspended jail sentence, and a 3 month ban from entering any sports facilities. 3 months! Wow, I’m sure his apocalyptic madness will have subsided with in 3 months. He should try that shit during the Super Bowl and see how long it takes for someone to kick the crap out of him.

Douche Bag to retire from The Late Late Show.

2004-08-28T13:21:00.000-04:00

Craig Kilborn Says Adios After Five Years

"Since announcing two weeks ago that he was leaving, the 42-year-old Kilborn has had difficulty explaining why he is walking away from a show that has seen its audience grow by more than a third during his tenure."

My theory is that after 5 long years he’s finally realized that he’s not funny. 5 years, and his audience has only grown by a third? Is that supposed to be good? They could replace this guy with colostomy bag infomercials and the ratings would probably grow faster than that.

I Hate Birthdays

2004-08-24T00:05:00.000-04:00

Today is my birthday. I hate birthdays. I’m not one of those people who always say they hate birthdays, and then get upset when no one gives them a card. I really hate birthdays. Since I’m the one driving this short bus, here are the top 5 reasons why I think birthdays suck.

5. I don’t know how to act when accepting gifts. If a gift is crappy, I still feel like I have to pretend that I like it. Everyone has this problem at least once in their life. My real problem is when a gift isn’t crappy I still don’t know how to act. I don’t want to kiss anyone’s ass, no matter what they give me.

4. I don’t like people giving me gifts out of a sense of obligation. Most people seem to think it’s a sin to ignore someone’s birthday. This leads to people buying you gifts, even if they really wouldn’t care if you choked to death during a Spam eating contest gone wrong.

3. I don’t like feeling obligated to give gifts to others on their birthdays. Not just gifts either. I don’t like to celebrate other people’s birthdays in any way, mostly because I wouldn’t care if they choked to death during a Spam eating contest gone wrong. I don’t care about their stupid birthday, and I don’t like pretending to care. But when everyone at the office pitches in to buy you a meat basket and a 5-dollar cake from the grocery store, they are expecting that you will return the favor when their birthday comes around.

2. It’s all about everyone else. Popular opinion is that your birthday is supposed to be your own personal holiday, where you get to have everything the way you want. But if I had everything the way I wanted it, everyone would just shut the fuck up and quit bothering me with their stupid balloons, and birthday cakes, and those Goddamn trick candles. Seriously, is anyone really tricked by trick candles anymore? I mean they’ve been around for years, and everyone knows what they are, so why do people still buy them? Dose anyone really expect the birthday person to be surprised? It’s like telling a stale knock-knock joke then basking in the forced laughter.

1. I don’t like being the center of attention. In the middle of all these things that I dislike, everyone is staring at me like they’re waiting for me to do a flip or something. The whole time I’m supposed to sit there and pretend like I’m enjoying it, even though I would like nothing more than gouge out their eyeballs with those stupid candles.

Getting drunk is Ok, as long as you do it by drinking.

2004-08-22T14:11:00.000-04:00

Alcohol inhaling machine goes on display in New York; opponents warn of 'disaster waiting to happen'

Why is it every time someone comes out with a new way to have fun the government has to get involved and try to make it illegal? And why is it the government doesn’t want us inhaling anything that isn’t made with tobacco? I wonder how Uncle Sam would react if Philip Morris came out with an alcoholic cigarette. I imagine it would somehow find FDA approval.

Puta Gorda

2004-08-15T18:40:00.000-04:00

Charley leaves Punta Gorda in ruins

At first I thought Punta Gorda was Spanish for “fat whore.” Which I thought was pretty funny. Especially when I read all the headlines and replaced Punta Gorda with Fat Whore. For example:

Charley leaves Fat Whore in ruins

Fat Whore hit hard by Charley

Bush tours ravaged Fat Whore
And my personal favorite

Outdoor services at a Fat Whore church

My fun ended with a quick translation on babblefish. I guess the Spanish word for whore is actually puta, not punta. Punta Gorda actually means fat end. It’s still amusing, but not nearly as funny.

Get off the couch fat ass

2004-08-12T20:56:00.000-04:00

480-pound woman dies after six years on couch

This is the funniest and most disturbing story I think I’ve ever read. The scariest part is that I lived in this neighborhood for about 7 months. We’ve all heard of people getting so fat that they have to be removed from their house with a crane, but I think this is even worse.

I mean this lady was literally a couch potato. She had grown into the couch. Her skin was grafted to the fabric from sitting there so long. And apparently the stench from her crapping herself all the time wasn’t enough for her or the guy who was living with her, because one of the two decided it would be a good idea to fling feces all over the floor, and all over the walls.

The rescue workers were wearing Bio Hazard suits because the duplex was so filthy. She was so fat that she wouldn’t fit into the ambulance, and they had to tow her away on a flatbed trailer, couch and all. Can you imagine the phone call that someone had to make to arrange that?

Bill (the rescue worker): Uh, Charlie this is Bill, how you doing?

Charlie: It’s after midnight, what do you want?

Bill: Well, we have a bit of a situation here, and I think we’re going to need your trailer.

Charlie: Why? What situation?

Bill: Well, there’s this woman the size of a baby elephant who has sat on her ass so long that she has become one with her couch. She’s having breathing problems for some reason, and we need to get her down to the ER. She’s too big to fit in the ambulance, and oh yeah; she’s also covered in dung.

And someone lived with this woman. How could anyone live in such conditions? Why wouldn’t he at least take the time to clean the crap off the wall? I think he should have got a floor jack to lift her up and slide a tarp underneath. Then he could have hosed her off every few days, and maybe once a month dump a bucked of bleach over her head to keep the stench under control. Sure she might not like it, but what’s she going to do about it?

I don’t care what anyone says, there is no excuse for getting this fat. At some point in this woman’s life she had to have made the decision that she just wasn’t going to get up again, even to take a shit. So it's her own damn fault. Still, I think this wins the award for worst possible way to die.

6 degrees of Kevin Bacon.

2004-08-06T19:24:00.000-04:00

This site is amazing. You never have to lose this game again.

911 to the rescue

2004-08-05T21:49:00.000-04:00

Police rescue puppy stuck in a recliner

How heartwarming.

It’s all fun and games until the pictures get leaked to the press

2004-08-03T20:15:00.000-04:00

U.S. Soldiers Abused Iraqis 'For Fun,' Court Told

Oh Girls just wana have fun.

No beer for the troops

2004-07-31T01:25:00.000-04:00

Va. Native Convicted Of Stealing SUV in Iraq

Imagine every day you are in very real danger of being killed, or captured and tortured. If you let your guard down you could end up with a rusty knife at your throat and a camcorder in your face. Now imagine that you commandeer a vehicle in the middle of this war zone, and the next thing you know you’re being charged with armed robbery like you’re some kind of petty car thief.

On top of all that, you’re not even allowed to slam down a couple of beers once in a while. I can’t believe they expect our solders to endure those kinds of conditions without the option of an occasional cold one.

I Hate Chain Letters

2004-07-28T21:59:00.000-04:00

Someone forwarded one of those stupid E-mail chain letters to me today. I won’t bore you with the letter itself; it was just the typical mail-this-to-everyone-you-know-or-you-will-be-tortured-to-death-in-a-Vietnamese-POW-camp type of chain letter. As with most of these letters it included some mushy nonsense. You know what I’m talking about. Sometimes it’s a sappy story about a crippled kid that is supposed to be inspiring. Sometimes it’s a sad story about domestic abuse, and the triumph of some stupid woman over incredible odds.

Anyway, in case you didn’t guess, I hate chain letters. So here is the response I sent to this most recent chain letter.

This is a Chain letter. It holds no more good luck than any other piece of Spam (the E-mail kind, or the meat kind). Nor does it have any mystical properties that will make you get hit by a bus, or killed in an elevator accident, or attacked by wallabies. You will notice that I have waited well over 6 minutes to respond to this Chain letter, and yet I have remained completely free of wallaby attacks.

If these stupid letters held any of the powers they claim to, then choking on toothpicks or falling through manhole covers would become the leading causes of death. And while all the non-believers are dying in unusual ways, all the idiots who believe in this nonsense would be constantly finding giant bags of money, and discovering oil in their backyard.

No one has EVER died from failing to respond to a chain letter. No one has EVER discovered ultimate happiness from forwarding a chain letter. The only thing that a chain letter really does is help get your E-mail address on another SPAM list. So next time you get one of these stupid letters, you should take every other piece of SPAM in your inbox and forward it back to the idiot who sent it to you.

If you hate Chain letters as much as I do, then I suggest you E-mail this to everyone you know. If you don’t send it to at least 67 people within the next 2 seconds a toilet will fall out of the sky and crush your skull.

Death of the 40 hour work week

2004-07-27T22:02:00.000-04:00

Overtime rules will change in August

The Government is getting ready to put a new set of rules that will regulate what kinds of employees will be eligible for overtime pay. Have you heard anything about this in the mainstream media? I know I haven’t.

I looked at the Department of Labor website and the rules look like they are open to a lot of interpretation. The only thing that is really clear is that anyone making less than $455 per week is still eligible for overtime pay for anything over 40 hours per week. The Bush Administration is playing it off as though it will only affect the wealthy. Considering how muddled the rules are I find that hard to believe.

The biggest criticism I’ve read about new rules is that nurses will no longer be legally entitled to overtime pay. Of course with the high demand for nurses most will probably be unaffected, but we’ll have to wait and see. The way I understand it, anyone who can be considered management will also no longer be legally entitled to overtime pay. It’s about time someone put that rich bastard who manages the McDonalds in his place.

The Geeks can finally sleep at night

2004-07-25T19:38:00.000-04:00

Special Announcement: Episode III Title

In a shocking announcement yesterday Lucasfilm revealed that it’s upcoming Star Wars prequel will have a title that actually doesn’t sound like it was chose by a retard. Hundreds of Super Geeks simultaneously creamed their pants when the announcement was first made at a major comic book convention in San Diego. Revenge of the Sith might sound like a silly title, but when compared to the titles of the first two Star Wars prequels it’s like Shakespeare.

No child left behind…except for these 145 thousand.

2004-07-23T21:07:00.000-04:00

States Cut Health Insurance for 145,000 Kids

But the economy is rebounding big time.

Just because you don’t have a penis doesn’t mean you're not a man.

2004-07-23T20:59:00.000-04:00

Florida Court Rules Transsexual Marriage Invalid

I just don’t get it. I always saw marriage as a religious institution. So why does the government regulate it? And why do all the freaks (and yes they are freaks) want so badly to find the acceptance of an institution that has hated them for thousands of years? And why can’t homosexuals and transsexuals just leave the church alone, and let it go on believing that they evil?

The way I see it, if you can find a religion to sanction your marriage then Uncle Sam should mind his business. But don’t expect the Pope to acknowledge the sanctity of your union anytime soon.

The great Uhrichsville dead dog caper.

2004-07-19T23:26:00.000-04:00

Cape-wearing teen ruled out as suspect in death of dog

The police don’t think the local freak is responsible for sawing Sparky’s head off. Maybe they should investigate these people.

If not them, I hear old man Schmitty has been acting very strange lately, ever since the old amusement park was abandoned.

Mama, where’s Rusty?

2004-07-15T00:54:00.000-04:00

Dog found decapitated

A dog bit me in this town on my birthday. I hope it was this one.

Bobo Bites the Big one

2004-07-14T23:35:00.000-04:00

Questions Mount As Community Mourns Loss Of Tarzan's Tiger

Are these people insane? This jackass thinks it’s a good idea to keep a 600 lb wild animal in his backyard, and he’s shocked when it gets shot for wandering around town. Now all of his neighbors are saying that animal control is to blame. That’s like leaving your briefcase sitting on the ground next to a gas pump, driving off, and then expressing outrage when the bomb squad sends a robot in to tote it off and blow it up.

Do these people actually think that they should be allowed to keep giant jungle animals in the backyard? Just because you put something in a cage doesn’t make it a pet. Bobo is better of dead anyway.

I think this guy got a little too into character back when he was playing Tarzan. I hope one of his remaining felines bites his nads off.

14 year old female sex offender

2004-07-14T02:04:00.000-04:00

Girl, 14, Ordered to Sign Sex Offenders' Register

Kids these days. The little boy she “assaulted” will probably turn out to be gay. What kind of little fruit would get beat up by a girl, and then have her arrested?

Delaying the election?

2004-07-11T23:42:00.000-04:00

Officials discuss how to delay Election Day

I don’t like the sound of this. If there is an attack, how severe does it have to be to warrant a delay? And how long will that delay last? Will there be a delay if an attack occurs a week before? A month? This just sounds like too much power to give an agency that is run by an appointee.

Viva La Raza

2004-07-11T16:16:00.000-04:00

Amnesty eyed for illegal aliens

Before I even get into this, let me just say that I intend to vote for John Kerry. I’m not too happy about it, but I really don’t see much choice. Bush is an utter failure as a president, and an embarrassment to our nation. He’s not even a real Republican. I point this out only because I previously made a negative comment about Michael Moore, and I was accused of being a moron.

That being said, its stories like this that make me wish there was a legitimate 3rd choice. I will vote Kerry because I think the country clearly needs a change in leadership, but that doesn’t mean I trust him. Why should I trust someone who would show such disregard for our laws just to please a voting block? The worst part is that Bush is doing the same thing.

"Out of common sense and fairness, our laws should allow willing workers to enter our country and fill jobs that Americans are not filling," George W. Bush

Ok. Well then how about offering amnesty to the millions of Americans who smoke pot, but somehow manage to remain gainfully employed? More than 20 million Americans have smoked pot in the last year. That could translate to a lot of votes, so why doesn’t anyone pander to the pothead constituency? As usual it’s all about the money.

First off, drug companies give a lot of money to politicians. They also employ legions of lobbyists to push their agenda. These companies don’t want a drug like pot, that can people can easily grow at home, to become legal. There is simply too much money involved for any politician to find enough balls to stand up to these corporations.

Politicians don’t want to make pot legal for the same reason they want to give a pass to illegal aliens. The agricultural and construction industries have lobbyists too, and they save a boatload of money on cheap illegal labor. It’s a win-win issue for politicians, because they can make the lobbyists happy, and secure more Hispanic votes at the same time.

I know the argument about how these people come here and do the jobs that no one else wants, but I think that is bullshit. There are plenty of Americans who would do those jobs. The only difference is that Americans would demand higher pay and benefits. It’s not that we are lazy; it’s just that we demand fair treatment.

This notion that Americans are the laziest people on the planet is ridiculous. Americans take less vacation days than any other industrialized nation, including Japan. The Japanese have a reputation for hard work and discipline, but on average they get 17.5 paid vacation days every year, compared to our 10.2. Even in China the people get 15 days of vacation by law. In the US there is no minimum amount of vacation required by law.
Not only do we take less vacation, but we also work more hours.

Offering amnesty to illegal immigrants sends a bad message. Why should anyone go through the proper channels to get here when they can just break the law and get away with it? And what about those who did it the right way? They come here for a better life too, and the fact that they respected our laws enough to do it legally shows that they are more likely to assimilate to the culture.

It’s easy to think of the poor hard working immigrant who risked his life crossing the desert to find employment in America. It’s easy to think about this immigrant and think, “why not give him or her amnesty?” But don’t forget that amnesty would also be giving a pass to all of those employers who were unscrupulous enough to hire illegal workers. Is it OK that these companies took advantage of immigrants? Is it Ok for them to provide poor working conditions and low wages? If you think about it like this, amnesty isn’t really about helping Latinos at all.

The American Dream

2004-07-09T18:28:00.000-04:00

Lottery winner is 68-year-old cleaning woman

How come it’s always some old bag who wins the big jackpots? It’s always someone who’s only got about 10 years left to live, or a shop full of bicycle mechanics who pooled their money and bought 200 tickets. It’s never someone young and struggling to establish financial stability.

Ever one thinks it’s great too. They think that people like this actually deserve to win. I don’t see what makes them so deserving. Just because she was a cleaning lady her whole life? So what. If she didn’t want to be a cleaning lady she should have got a different job. She should have worked her way through college, or started a business. Just because she was too stupid to ever make anything out of herself, that makes her deserving of a big reward at the end of her life?

I think the money would be better off in the hands of someone who might be smart enough to figure out what to do with it. She’s just going to give a bunch to charity, and buy a house, and a car and a lifetime supply of Windex. Charity is a scam anyway, and her hoodlum kids will probably burn the house down and crash the car. She’ll end up with nothing but the Windex, which she can use when she has to go back to cleaning houses.

He’s Alive!!!!

2004-07-05T20:31:00.000-04:00

Iraq Group Says U.S. Marine Hostage Moved to 'Safety'

So first we were told that he was dead. Now we’re being told that he’s alive, and he’s even going to be set free. Why is he being set free? They say because he agreed to desert and not return to the US. Something fishy is going on here if you ask me.

If he really has been released, then I suspect he was never in danger at all. I think the guy was trying to desert from the beginning, and these people were willing to help him do that in exchange for making a little tape. I mean these people sent faxes to his relatives to assure them that he had not been killed. That’s a very friendly act for terrorists.

Show me the Money

2004-07-05T18:17:00.000-04:00

http://www.followyourmoney.com/

This website is very interesting. It shows you how much money different corporations donate to different political parties. Some of the numbers might surprise you. Upon first glance it might seem like every corporation is supporting the Republicans. Everyone knows that the Republican Party has more money, and they are supposed to be a corporation’s best friend.

What I found most surprising is that Lockheed Martin, the infamous weapons manufacturer, gives more money to the Democrats than to the Republicans. Something else I found interesting, for those of you who believe in the right wing media conspiracy theory, is that nearly all of the media companies give more money Democrats. Fox news channel, of course, is one exception. The other is Clear Channel Communications, which is the radio empire responsible for all the right wing talk shows on AM radio.

So as far as the media goes, the Democrats have TV and movies, the Republicans have AM radio. So everyone can quit bitching about how all the news channels are in bed with the Republican Party.

All that aside, the thing you should be most concerned about is that BOTH parties are receiving huge amounts of money from all of these companies. If you look at the top 10 contributors for both parties you will notice there are 6 companies on both lists. In other words, no matter which side wins, they are indebted to giant corporations.

Is Michael Moore really Rush Limbaugh?

2004-07-05T15:52:00.000-04:00

Anonymous said...

i think i will take Moore over Bush any day thanks. At least he has an intellect.I am not so sure about you.

See, I make one remark about this bloated bomb thrower, and suddenly you think I’m a moron. Well just take some more Ritalin and try to calm down. I never said I liked Bush either Ok. You might have noticed that if you read the entire post.

Just because Moore has a stronger intellect than Bush doesn’t automatically make him a great person. What I don’t like about Moore is his attitude that his movies are 100% truth, with no spin whatsoever, and anyone who disagrees is some kind of right wing lunatic.

I just don’t like it when people present opinion as gospel truth. I don’t like Michael Moore for the same reason I don’t like Rush Limbaugh. If they decided to switch sides tomorrow, would anyone be able to tell the difference? In fact I think they might be the same person. Think about it, have you ever seen those two fat disgusting blowhards together in the same room? I’m just saying…

Anyway, my point is that if you think that Michael Moore didn’t distort reality to make Fahrenheit 9/11 then you’re the one who has no intellect.

Who do you trust?

2004-07-05T04:49:00.000-04:00

Analyzing "Fahrenheit 9/11": It's accurate — to a degree

I don’t consider myself a Bush supporter by any stretch of the imagination. Still, I remember all the misleading half-truths Michael Moore used in Bowling for Columbine, and considering that Fahrenheit 9/11 could influence an election, I think it’s important that people know the facts.

Burglar alarm causes twenty minutes of customer service hell

2004-07-05T04:14:00.000-04:00

Want what with that?

If anyone is wondering why I keep posting stories from this paper, it’s because of articles like this. Imagine one of the top stories in your local newspaper involves an alarm going off for 20 minutes.

This is the other reason. If you call the number at the bottom you have thirty seconds to say your piece and the paper will print it. They will print anything too; it doesn’t even have to make sense. My wife grew up in this town. When she was a little kid she called up and said it wasn’t fair that she had to eat her vegetables, and they actually printed it. The phone # is (330) 364-1939, and you can call 24 hours a day. Talk about freedom of the press.

You’ve got Mail!

2004-07-04T20:17:00.000-04:00

Who Could Be Reading Your E-Mail?

This is a pretty clear indication that the people in the judicial system are out of touch with the reality of today’s technology. I wouldn’t worry though; I imagine this ruling will be overturned. Judges don’t have to worry about being re-elected, but Congressmen do.

Marine Loses his head

2004-07-04T01:51:00.000-04:00

Abductors Claim Marine Beheaded

I would just like to take a moment here to praise the metrical that is the home video recorder. These extremists hate the west, but they don’t mind western technology when it suits their purpose. These tapes are being released more often than Stephen King books, and their effectiveness is beginning to weaken.

When the Nick Burg tape was released, everyone was shocked, and it was all over the media. Not as near as often as Abu Ghraib of course, but just enough that everyone could remember the guy’s name. Now they’ve churned out so many of these things that it seems like no one even cares anymore. We Americans have an amazing ability to ignore things like this, because we are not directly affected.

So it looks like they went ahead and lopped the marine’s head off, even though he was a fellow Muslim. But what you aren’t hearing a lot about is exactly how they managed to capture him in the first place. It seems that a US Marine would be a difficult person to kidnap, what with the big guns they tend to carry around and all. Well when they say that “the circumstances of his absence (during which he was abducted) are under investigation” what they really mean is that he appears to have been a deserter.

Where he a little less, shall we say “Christianally Challenged”, I’m sure the media would have been all over this little fact.

The Pimp Hand is strong with this one

2004-07-02T21:16:00.000-04:00

Teacher charged with having sex with 14-year-old student

On behalf of teenage boys in schools all across the country, I say let this woman go IMEDIATELY!

If I were this kid, I would be saving the news clippings, because no one will ever believe him when he gets older. Take a look at these pictures of Debra Beasley Lafave, and tell me, did any of your teachers look like this?

picture
picture

Ah, if only I were 14 again.

Free Speech, on sale now for $1.5 million

2004-07-02T20:02:00.000-04:00

$1.5 million fine for Stern?

Could someone explain to me, how is this not censorship? How come Oprah can talk about sex on her show, but Howard can’t on his? Is it just because they have different approaches, Howard making light of the topic, and Oprah treating it more clinically?

What about other day time talk shows? Doesn’t the FCC know about the filth that is broadcast on network TV between the hours of 3 and 5pm, the same time children across the nation are watching after school cartoons?

A poor choice of getaway vehicles

2004-07-02T19:14:00.000-04:00

Bandit on bike holds up Barton bank; suspect's wife wanted

Who would rob a bank and then escape on a bicycle? Apparently this dumbass would.

Teen fined 50 dollars for running down two pedestrians

2004-07-02T18:02:00.000-04:00

Teen's license suspended after pedestrian crash

Of course 50 dollars to these people is probably like a years salary.

Pedestrian struck by truck

I think they might have an epidemic in this town. Maybe they need to form a Uhrichsville Truck Death Commission to investigate.

My Spidey sense tells me someone is committing video piracy!

2004-07-01T03:13:00.000-04:00

Sixteen-Year-Old Apprehended for Recording `Spider-Man 2'

Thank God this dirt bag is off the streets. They should have a scene in Spiderman 3 where Spiderman goes into a movie theater and stops some ne'er-do-well from video taping a movie. Maybe after that he could swing into an old folks home and bust some granny for illegally downloading Busta Rhymes songs.

We’ll quit letting people visit their families, that will show them!

2004-07-01T02:07:00.000-04:00

US tighten Cuban travel regulations

I really don’t get it. What’s the point? Sanctions haven’t worked after 40 years, and while we refuse to trade with Cuba, we have open trade relations with China. So if the Cubans started making electronic equipment instead of cigars would we suddenly decide that they had an “OK” form of dictatorship?

And why now? Because they’re having money problems? Haven’t they been having money problems for the past 40 years? Wasn’t that the point of sanctions in the first place?

Slow road to the draft

2004-06-29T23:29:00.000-04:00

'Ready Reserve' Members to See Duty Overseas

I don’t care how they try to sugarcoat it, this doesn’t sound good. Using troops who are already in service to fight a war is one thing. Calling up people who thought they were done with service is entirely different.

Imagine you worked at some fast food place to help pay your way through college. Then you graduate, get a real job, and move on with your life. You think you’re done with the burger barn. Then one day the phone rings and your old manager is on the other end telling you that you HAVE to come back to work because there’s a horrible fry cook shortage.

I assume most of these people will have established a life outside of the military. So what happens to that life? What happens to their jobs, and wives, and children, and mortgage payments, and car payments, and credit card payments, and all that crap? Is the military going to pay them the same wages they would have been making at their civilian jobs? I doubt it.

It sounds to me like the Pentagon is dipping its toe in the waters of involuntary service, trying to gage how the public will react. And this story has been out for roughly 24 hours without seeing much coverage at all on the cable news channels. Instead I turn on Fox News, and what do I see? Laci Peterson. That’s right, Uncle Sam is raping the spirit of an all volunteer military, and they are talking about some stupid rich bitch who got herself murdered in California over a year ago.

I have only ever had one question about the Laci Peterson story, and in roughly a year and a half of relentless coverage it still hasn’t been answered. My question is why should I give a fuck about Laci Peterson? They have been treating this case like the OJ trial, but there’s a huge difference between the two. OJ was FAMOUS!!!! He was a pro football player, and he had been in TV and movies. What have Laci Peterson, or Scott Peterson for that matter, ever done to warrant this kind of concern? Nothing! Not a God Damn thing!

Laci Peterson is famous for being murdered. And She wasn’t drawn and quartered, or beaten to death by rabid midgets, or sodomized to death by aliens. It was just your everyday run of the mill murder. So why is Scott Peterson’s stupid fat face on my TV screen when the whole country is going to hell in a Prada handbag?

I figure they must be talking about this ridiculous murder case because it’s Fox News after all, and we all know how fair and balanced they are. So I switch to CNN, and what are they talking about? Why pornography of course, what else would a good liberal news station be talking about? If you were ever in doubt that the courts of this country are run by liberals, this story should clear it up for you. Can you honestly imagine any Republican voting to block “congress's latest effort to curb children's access to sexually explicit material on the Internet”?

Back here on planet Earth no one in their right mind believes adults are computer savvy enough to keep their 13-year-old son from finding online smut. What we are concerned with is whether or not our 13-year-old son will be drafted in 5 years. He might just be, if no one makes any noise about this first step in that direction.

Iraq turnover meets approval of tiny redneck towns

2004-06-29T21:03:00.000-04:00

County politicians approve of handover

Don’t worry everyone; you can put all of your skepticism to rest. The moronic hillbillies of this white trash nowhere county in the middle of Ohio think that handing over control of the Iraqi government 2 days early was a good decision. That’s a relief, for a minute I thought they might have done it to draw attention off of the US marine whose about to meet with the wrong side of an Islamic pocket knife.

Barbie takes half of Ken’s stuff

2004-06-29T20:37:00.000-04:00

Barbie Finds New Australian Boyfriend

The divorce rate has gotten so high that even Barbie and Ken split up? Republicans are worried that allowing gay marriage will devastate the family unit in America. Doesn’t this prove that it’s a little late to be worrying about that now? Besides, what could be gayer than a wedding?

Muslims to behead their own.

2004-06-29T01:32:00.000-04:00

In Utah, Many Pray for Marine's Safe Return

When this story first broke I didn’t realize that this guy was Muslim. This article is the first I’ve heard of it. It’s also one of the few times I’ve heard anything in the press about the Islamic community speaking out against the atrocities being committed in the name of their religion.

Will these maniacs butcher one of their own? Of course they will. I realize that there is a difference between the decapitation happy degenerates and the normal piece loving Muslims, but just read this statement from one of the good guys.

"In the name of Allah, the merciful, the compassionate, we accept destiny, with its good and bad," said Tarek Nasseir, a member of the Salt Lake City mosque serving as a spokesman for Hassoun's relatives here.

Ok, so they’re pretty quick to accept the barbarism that these radicals are soon to afflict upon Mr. Hassoun. I would think they might be outraged that these delinquents are giving Islam a bad name, but that’s just me. Nasseir continues.

"We are praying for all those people held captive against their will in Iraq," said Nameed Ahmed, a member of the mosque's governing council, "including those being held by the U.S. soldiers. We are against those who are holding our brother in Iraq, but we are also against the war that sent Mr. Hassoun to fight there."

He sounds like he’s angrier with the United States than with the “Islamic Retaliation Movement.” Hey buddy; we aren’t the ones brutalizing our prisoners of war…unless you seriously consider a gay human pyramid brutalizing. On a side note, if those pictures were taken in New York, they would have been considered modern art.

Anyway. Will the so-called “Islamic Retaliation Movement” release this guy because he’s a Muslim? Or will they lop his head off and finally prove what I have long suspected, that prayer doesn’t work?

Dirty Slut Barbie

2004-06-29T00:58:00.000-04:00

Mattel loses court battle to defend Barbie's honour

Finally the ACLU does something worthwhile. I wouldn’t want to live in a country where an artist can’t take naked pictures of Barbie. This makes me wonder if Campbell’s ever tried to sue Andy Warhol?

Still cheaper than whiskey

2004-06-28T00:49:00.000-04:00

Price of Gasoline Continues to Drop

So what? I’m supposed to be happy that the price has gone down by a lousy 7 cents a gallon? A price drop like this just means they are pacifying everyone in preparation for another jump. The prices will stay down for a few weeks, and everyone will say, thank goodness gas is only 1.90 per gallon. Then they will raise it back up to about 2.20, and everyone will be pissed off again. Then it will go back down to about 2.00 a gallon, and everyone will say, thank God we’re finally getting some relief. They’ve been doing this forever.

If we went to Iraq to take their oil, then why are the prices still going up? OPEC will use anything for an excuse to drive up the prices. Another terrorist bombing? Yup, that’s going to bring them up. A train derailed somewhere in Texas? Oh, that’s going to cost you. Your little brother Johnny just came out of the closet? Shit, we may have to start rationing.

It’s not how you play the game…

2004-06-27T16:17:00.000-04:00

Green party snubs Ralph Nader

So basically, they want to have a candidate, but they don’t want to get too many votes. Do you think the Bush campaign will be more concerned about this, or Fahrenheit 9/11?

Shut up and get a Big Mac

2004-06-26T22:08:00.000-04:00

Olsen twin latest celebrity to battle eating disorder in public

You think she’ll have to actually gain weight to make it into Playboy? Or do you thin they would just airbrush over the bones showing through her skin? And don’t even try to tell me they won’t be in Playboy. That’s just ludicrous.

Rodney King Part Deux and 1/2

2004-06-26T16:48:00.000-04:00

Officer may have feared man beaten during LAPD arrest was armed

What did I tell you? Read this line from the first article.

[Police Chief William] Bratton said Miller's minor injuries included a bruised cheek. He was treated at a hospital, released and remained jailed on $30,000 bail.

Now read first line to this follow up article.

A Los Angeles police officer caught on videotape pummeling a suspected car thief with a flashlight said he delivered the blows because another officer warned the man was carrying a gun, the Los Angeles Times reported Saturday.

“Pummeling,” sounds like a pretty harsh word. Are they trying to start another race riot? To make things worse, this guy’s scumbag lawyer is acting like his client was nearly beaten to death. Read this.

his lawyer argued that he should be released so he can receive medical treatment for any injuries suffered during the beating.
Miller complained of dizziness, difficulty breathing and a swollen nose, Werksman said.
"I can't underscore to you enough that this man needs to see a doctor," he said.

Yeah, he started complaining after he spoke with this lawyer. The guy was already taken to a hospital, and now they are acting like they just beat him for no reason and threw him in a jail cell without so much as a Band-Aid.

"I'm demanding an explanation," Mayor James K. Hahn said at a City Hall news conference Friday. "It better be a good one. It looks to me that force was unwarranted."

These cops are already being convicted, before anyone knows what happened.

I sold out

2004-06-25T20:21:00.000-04:00

I’ve only had this site up for about a day, but I’ve already sold out. Please notice the gratuitous links at the bottom of the left hand column, brought to you by www.bloglinker.com

If you couldn’t guess, this is the obligatory mention this so called traffic generating site requires of its members. Don’t worry, once I get some notoriety (I estimate this will happen sometime by 2047) I will remove this post, and those damn links immediately.

Lars Ulrich will finally be able to sleep

2004-06-25T19:39:00.000-04:00

Senate OKs fines for illegal downloading

Thank God the government is finally going to step in and do something about this problem. Worrying about terrorism is SO 2 years ago, and I’m glad that we are moving on at last, and that now the government can “bring its resources to bear on this immense problem.”

It’s good to know that America still has good statesmen like Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont, who isn’t afraid to get out there and fight for the little guy. I can’t think of a better way to address the concerns of American citizens than to pass a law that allows the government to help GIANT corporations sue college students for downloading a copy of the latest Britney Spears single. Clearly the American people have been demanding this law for a long time.

Rodney King Part Duex

2004-06-25T19:10:00.000-04:00

Use of force prompts concerns about LAPD reforms

Here we go again. I haven’t seen the video yet, but I have no doubt this will be blow out of proportion. The Rodney King video was taken out of context to make it look a lot worse than it really was. In 1991 the jury was the only group of people who saw the part of the tape that showed a cracked out King repeatedly jumping up to attack the cops until he was finally subdued. I’m sure they’ll do the same with this tape.

After a “30-minute pursuit” and a 300 yard foot chase, I’m sure the only video that will ever make it on the news will be the very moment when the guy finally gives up and is tackled to the ground. I don’t know why anyone would find this so shocking; they show it on COPS all the time. If someone has been running from the cops, they are going to get tackled if they stop. That’s just how it works. What are they supposed to do? Should they calmly walk up to this creep after they’ve been chasing him for 30-minutes and politely ask him to lie on the ground?

Make sure you notice the quote at the end of this article.

"The cops are all bad," said Gerald Murrle, 40. "If they say cover it up, they'll cover it up."

Who the hell is Gerald Murrle? He’s not mentioned anywhere else in the story. How is he connected to this story? Did they just go door-to-door looking for someone who hates cops to give them a quote?

Maybe they did. But don’t worry, they evened things out with another quote from someone else no one has ever heard of.

Others believed the incident will test the leadership of [Police Chief William] Bratton.

"This is his first big test," said Vickie Goolsby, 43. "But it's going to take time to change things, because he's got too many corrupt police officers on the force."

Even the positive quote is pretty negative. Who the hell is Vickie Goolsby? And how would she know anything about how many cops are corrupt? This is indicative of how this story is going to be treated on the major news networks.

Blame it on Slavery

2004-06-25T18:26:00.000-04:00

Judge rejects slave trauma as defense for killing

This is a great idea for criminal defense. It may not have been allowed during pretrial, but the fact that the judge is considering it at all is kind of scary. Imagine the precedent that will be set if this works during the actual trial.

I could go for a Lewinsky...handbag

2004-06-25T15:10:00.000-04:00

Lewinsky Feels Betrayed

So Monica Lewinsky got her feelings hurt by Bill Clinton’s book. What makes her think she’s so God Damn special? She got famous by giving slick Willy a hummer, and now she’s mad because he still won’t acknowledge that they had a real relationship.

The most expensive BJ in history happened well over 5 years ago, and this stupid bitch still wants to think that they had something special? Give me a break. Sure he might have shown you some affection, and pretended like he cared about you, but guys do this all the time. Sure he might have shown you some affection, and pretended like he cared about you, but guys do this to get laid all the time. Every day hundreds of women around the country get knocked up by some sleaze bag who fooled them into thinking that he really gave a shit.

Get over yourself Monica; you’re not the first young naive girl to get sweet talked into a quick trip downtown. Any woman with a brain would have realized by now that she was used, it meant nothing to the guy, and it’s time to move on. Your name might be synonymous with oral sex now, but at least you were able to start a lucrative handbag business. So quit your bitching.