Sunday, October 10, 2004

My Manifesto Part 1.

I've decided I'm going to run for President of the United States of America. I've thought about it, and I've got the perfect platform. If I ever get seriously wealthy, I will run a real campaign based on the following promises.

I will fight to legalize Marijuana. An estimated 80 million Americans over the age of 12 have smoked pot at least once. That should translate to somewhere around 40 million votes.

I will come out in favor of legalizing prostitution. I will offer federal funds to for any state that wants to build a government-regulated whorehouse. I don't know exactly how many hookers there are in America, but I know the majority of them are in densely populated areas that hold higher numbers of electoral votes.

I will eliminate all federal income taxes for anyone making less than 100 grand per year. I estimate that will get me somewhere around 90 million votes.

I will deport all the illegal aliens. I will fill all the jobs they perform that everyone says no one else wants with prison labor. Of course the prison population will be considerably lower, because I will pardon everyone convicted of non-violent drug offences. This will secure the closet racist vote.

I will put the people at Google in charge of all government websites. I don't think this will get me very many more votes, but at least the government websites will finally make some Goddamn sense.

I will make executions accessible on pay-per-view. (The first person to be executed during my reign of terror will be Queen Latifa. Seriously, how much crap can be involved with before someone realizes that she has no talent?) The proceeds from these executions will all go to fund public schools, because children are our future.


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