Sunday, October 31, 2004

Blogs, the Reality TV of the Internet.

I was pondering the phenomena of Blogs today, because pondering is what pretentious asshole bloggers such as my self tend to do. I as I shuffled through the never-ending supply of blogs it occurred to me that the reason Blogs are so popular, is because they are the reality TV of the Internet. Blogs are cheap to create, their popularity stems from a focus on "real" people, and even the crappy ones can develop a following, very similar to reality TV.

When I say that Blogs focus on "real" people, I don't mean that Bloggers only talk about themselves. It's true that some bloggers will drone on and on about every tiny detail of their life, until the reader wants to shove an ice pick up his or her nose. But many popular Blogs give very little detail about the Bloggers life, and instead focus on pop-culture, or politics, or the local grade school rugby team. You name it, and someone is Blogging about it.

Reality TV is popular because it's about "real" people. Blogs are popular because they are made by "real" people. Television has celebrities. The Internet has high traffic sites. The more traffic you have on your site, the greater your celebrity. Sites like Google, MSN, Yahoo, Amazon, these are the celebrities of the Internet. They are also take an army of employees to maintain.

Then there are sites like Fark, and instapundit. They might not get as much traffic as Google, but a single person can maintain them, so it doesn't matter. These are the equivalent of reality TV celebrities. If Richard Hatch, or Darva Conger were websites, they would be Blogs.

Ok, for real this time, see you next month.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

I hate Avril Lavigne

Lavigne Says Fake Pop Starlets Are 'Pathetic

This blog will be on hiatus for the month of November, while I make my attempt at National Novel Writing Month. So I was surfing Google News looking for material for one more post before I start my 30-day novel, and I came across this story.

Avril Lavigne seizing on Ashlee Simpson's Saturday Night Live lip-synching snafu to ridicule her lack of talent. Are you freaking kidding me? As if Avril Lavigne is any less a creation of the recording industry. She might think she's edgy, and hip, and new, and different, but she's just a stupid teen bitch who happens to fit some tamed down corporate image of a skater chick, that a recording company figured was saleable.

I mean how edgy can you really be if you are recording the theme song to the Sponge Bob Movie? She might have a different image than the other "pop starlets" but it is still nothing more than an image. It's a carefully crafted image designed to make money, not music.

In closing, Avril Lavigne can go suck a fat one. See you next month.

Monday, October 25, 2004

16,503 less assholes.

Murder toll rises in US

Every time you see a story on TV about someone who was murdered, they always interview the victim's family. They bitch and cry about how wonderful their dipshit son/daughter/cousin was. They always say things like "he was so full of life", or "she was such a beautiful caring person."

This leaves me to wonder; don't any worthless scumbags ever get murdered? Just once I'd like to see a fiend or family member say something like "Well that guy was a real prick. I'm glad he's dead, I just hope it was painful."

Sure, there are plenty of innocent murder victims. But let's face it; most people who get murdered were involved with something they shouldn't have been. Whether it was trying to cheat on a drug deal, or sleeping with another man's wife, or giving me the wrong change, most of them did something for which they deserve to die.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Free Propaganda!

Stolen Honor

You've probably already seen Michael Moore's left wing propaganda, now see Carlton Sherwood's right wing propaganda. If nothing else there's some good descriptions of the torture some Vietnam Vets had to go through. These guys have some fascinating stories, no mater which side you are on. Plus you have to get a load of the way Kerry used to talk. I swear he sounds like Brando's character in Apocalypse Now.

The flu shot is bull crap

You Don't Need the Flu Shot. Unless You Do

Every year I hear all this crap about the flu shot, and I'm sick of it. I've never had a flu shot, and I've never had the flu. Most people don't need a flu shot, but every year people line up like cattle to get one. It's all just a big scam by pharmaceutical companies, designed to sell medicine to people who don't need it.
Even getting the flu shot doesn't mean you won't get the flu, doctors emphasize; the success rate for the current vaccine ranges between 70 and 90 percent. And no shot, of course, can guard against the equally nasty, far more common viruses that circulate all year round
Since there are "far more common viruses" which are "equally nasty" I think everyone needs to quit bitching about their goddamn flu shots.

Friday, October 22, 2004

National Novel Writing Month

I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided I'm going to participate in National Novel Writing Month. At this point I don't have a clear idea of what my story will be about. Instead I've decided just to make a list of things that I want to include in the story. Here's what I've got so far, in no particular order.

Zombies
Name one classic work of literature that doesn't have zombies? That's right, you can't.

A car chase
Who doesn't love car chases?

Aliens
For the same reason I'm including Zombies.

A school bus chase
For the same reason I'm including Zombies and Aliens.

An Army of robots
I'll need them to combat the Zombies and Aliens of course.

The Grim Reaper
He will be a good character for the cover art.

An office worker
I'm an office worker, so I figure I'll make the hero an office worker.

Motorcycles
No reason, it just seems like a good idea.

That's all I've come up with so far. Do any of my loyal readers have any suggestions about what I should include? If so, leave a comment.

No more blog explosion

My last post was too offensive, so I had to delete my site from blog explosion. It was either delete the post, or take my site out of there listing. So I took my site out of their listing.

I could bitch and moan about censorship, and freedom of speech, and all that, but the fact is that they have a right to promote the sites they choose. So believe it or not I'm not mad. I still recommend this service to anyone with a blog. After all they were nice enough to let me leave my photoblog in their listings.

I Hate Your Baby

I'm sick of babies. I guess it might be more accurate to say I'm sick of parents. I'm sick of people who think that having a baby is an accomplishment. Raising your child successfully so they don't turn out to be a terrorist, or a petty thief, or a used car salesman, now that is an accomplishment. Evolution has worked for millions of years to create the miracle of engineering that is the human reproductive system. That is an accomplishment. All you did was open your legs to some guy you met at a bar. That is not an accomplishment.

I also hate parents who adopt children from starving third world nations. I don't buy into that "I'm just trying to help a disadvantaged child" bullshit. You're just trying to help your image. It's the moral equivalent to a status symbol. You've got a Hummer in the driveway, and a little Cambodian baby in the nursery. The Hummer makes your neighbors think you are cool, while the baby keeps them from saying you are shallow.

The worst is people who have retarded babies. It may be challenging to raise a retard, but that doesn't make it an accomplishment. A retarded baby is the result of a failure on the part of your reproductive system. An accomplishment would have been if you had tied that little turd up in a trash bag and left it in the nearest dumpster. Then the rest of the world wouldn't have to put up with its stupid drooling ass.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Florida Power and Light can suck it.

I was out of power for several days during the hurricanes. Then when I got my bill, it was twice what I expected. I got nowhere with the customer service reps on the phone, so I fired off this E-mail to them. I know it won't do a bit of good, and I'll just have to pay the damn thing, but it made me feel better anyway. Here's what I said:

My bill this month is an outrage. On average I pay somewhere around $100 a month for power. After the hurricane when the meter readers were unable to read the meter, my bill was estimated at $92.10. The next bill I got was for $205.82. You are saying that during a month when I was without power for several days, I somehow used twice as much electricity as normal.

Your customer service rep told me that my estimated bill was simply lower than it should have been, and the difference in the price was simply to make up for that. I think it's more likely that you forgot to deduct the estimated amount of 92.10 that I paid for September from the amount I have to pay for October.

This is very frustrating, because there is no such thing as an alternate power company. You know you will never loose my business and you are trying to take advantage of me. In my opinion, you are trying to recoup some of the losses you suffered from the hurricanes by double billing poor saps like me.

I hate you,
Shutuped

What kind of Asshole are you?

Surfing the blog scene I see a lot of sites that have links to these stupid quizzes to determine what kind of (insert just about anything you want here) you are. It's a cheesy gimmick to get people to visit the site that is sponsoring the quiz.

I'm sick of seeing these things. So naturally I decided to come up with my own. Answer the following questions, and your score will tell you what kind of asshole you are.

When you show up to work 30 minutes late you:
A) Make up a bunch of excuses about bad traffic, or your house burning down, or having to take your kid to the hospital for 3rd degree burns after your house burned down.

B) Tell your boss that it won't happen again, even though you know it will, because you are an unreliable piece of shit.

C) Tell your boss to shut the fuck up before you break your foot off in his ass.
You get knocked up and you are completely incapable of providing your child with a decent upbringing. Do you:
A) Have the baby, go on welfare, and live in a trailer as a leach on society for the rest of your life.

B) Give the baby up for adoption, but insist that the people who raise it let you visit whenever you want, so you can enjoy all the good times and still avoid the un-pleasantries of changing a diaper.

C) Cut that demon seed out with the nearest coat hanger.
You get your girlfriend knocked up and you are completely incapable of providing your child with a decent upbringing. Do you:
A) Marry the girl, get a job at a factory to support your new "family", and live in a drunken stupor for the rest of your life?

B) Leave the girl to raise the kid on her own, and end up giving her %87 percent of all your future paychecks for child support.

C) Stab that bitch in the stomach.
When you read the previous questions did you respond with:
A) Moral outrage and disgust.
B) Mild amusement, or indifference
C) Uncontrollable laughter.
If you answered mostly A, you are a "stupid asshole." Give up now, because there is no hope for your future.

If you answered mostly B, you are a "major asshole." You might be able to avoid poverty, if you are lucky.

If you answered mostly C, break out the lube, because you are a "fucking asshole." I hope you like prison movies, because you will soon be living one.


Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Arabs are too perfect for nightmares part 2

In response to my previous post Benjamin Solah said…
I found your post racist, the West is becoming increasingly racist towards Muslims based on the fact that people think they are terrorists, a kid would never dream of this, it's false and misleading
however depicting American's harrassing a muslim girl for what happened in 9/11 is very true and a representation of what is happening in not only America but my country of Australia too. This video is countering the false stereotypes that the republican media increasingly churns out to create a society of xenophobes
Your response only proves my point. You somehow have it in your head that the West has become some horrible place, where you see racist bigots everywhere you look. I can't speak for Australia, but in America that simply isn't true.

The media has created an image of the West, as a culture of hate and intolerance. The blame for all the world's evils is frequently placed on the straight white male. As a straight white male, I resent this.

The fact that you think a kid would never dream of blowing up an airport, shows how deeply imbedded this image is. Kids are capable of dreaming about anything. It's not unreasonable to think a girl who is repeatedly accused of being a terrorist, might have a nightmare about being a terrorist. This scenario subtly implies that the evil of the West is to blame for the evils of terrorists.

Let me make it clear, that I have no problem with the video itself. Prince can depict the KKK running the white house, and I won't be offended. Prince can depict an army of Arabs invading the country, and I won't be offended. Prince can depict my mother being raped by George Washington, and I won't be offended. What pisses me off is the media shoving its bullshit PC ideals down my throat.

Sure the video's depiction may not be fair. Of course it's incorrect to say, "All Arabs are terrorist." But I think it's also incorrect to say, "all American's are racist ignorant pig fuckers." But so fucking what? People say things that are incorrect all the time, and it's their God given right. But the media only shows moral outrage over the portrayal of certain falsehoods, and I think that's a load of crap.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Arabs are too perfect for nightmares

Video scene gets Prince in trouble

So some stupid people are all pissed off because Prince has a depiction of an Arab-American girl blowing up an Airport.
The video for the song "Cinnamon Girl" shows the girl, played by 14-year-old Oscar nominee Keisha Castle-Hughes of the movie Whale Rider, facing harassment from schoolmates and witnessing racism in the wake of an attack that mirrors 9/11.

Steve Silberfarb, president of the Jewish Community Relations Council of Minnesota, said he applauds the anti-harassment message, but found a dream sequence in which the girl detonates a bomb at an airport disturbing.

"Even allowing for the right of an artist to express himself, I think it's misguided and offensive," Silberfarb said. "Her frustration is understandable. The violence is not."
So let me see if I understand this. It's OK to depict the great white American devils harassing an innocent girl. It's OK to depict Americans as ignorant assholes, with nothing better to do than go around ruining the world with their hateful racism. All of that is OK, but it's not OK to depict an Arab-American having a nightmare about blowing up an airport?

Jon Stewart kicks ass.

CNN's Tucker Carlson, Jon Stewart Feuding

This is a historical moment in American politics. Jon Stewart made Fucker Carlson look like a real douche bag. I hope you have a broadband connection, because you need to see this clip.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

The Great Uhrichsville Pizza Caper.

3 deny guilt in break-in, pizza theft

I love this paper. There's not much happening in that part of the universe, so they cover almost everything that happens. What's even better is that they publish the full names and addresses of all the people in their stories.

They are so desperate for something to publish that they have a feature called 30-seconds. If you call (330) 364-1939, you will have 30 seconds to say whatever you want, and they will publish it. I really enjoy reading what all those white trash morons have to say.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Pretentious sidebar photos part 2

I'm not surprised that the previous post struck a sour note. Especially when you consider the prevalence of bloggers who have their picture on their site, and my traffic consists of 98% bloggers. But it's my opinions, and I stand by it.

Here's what a reader had to say, followed by my response.

Astrantia said...
Just because someone puts a photo of themselves on their blog sidebar doesn't make them pretentious. I for one become curious of what people look like, not that it's relevent, but I do.
First off, I never specifically said putting up a photo of yourself makes you pretentious. I said the person in the picture always looks like a jackass. It's the photo itself that looks pretentious, and not necessarily through any fault of the blogger posing for it. I find the mere act of posing for a picture to be pretentious. It doesn't matter how you pose, you are still a poser.
And yes, I do have a photo on my sidebar ;-P
I know. You are one of the people I thought looked like a jackass.
When people use Comic Sans for their blog font I think they're a jackass. Which is why I stopped using it for my blog. But hum ho, everyone to their own ;-)
If you're trying to insult me, you should follow through with it, instead of pussing out and adding "everyone to their own."
Oh and by the way, don't you think adding ones blog to blog explosion is a teeny bit pretentious?
No, I would say it's more like desperate for attention than pretentious.

Pretentious sidebar photos.

As I was surfing all the sites on Blogexplosion, it occurred to me that a lot of people have pictures of themselves on their blog. I have a photoblog along with this one, but even there I do not include a picture of myself.

The reason for this is not because I'm ashamed of the way I look. I don't have a human fetus growing from the side of my head or anything like that. I wasn't burned in a fired. I don't look like anyone you might see on Maury Povich.

The reason is because every time I see someone's picture in the sidebar of their blog I think they look like a jackass. I'll save the pretentious writer photo for the back of my book.

Devil worship a day early.

Halloween on Sunday causes some troubles
"It's a day for the good Lord, not for the devil," said Barbara Braswell, who plans to send her 4-year-old granddaughter Maliyah out trick-or-treating in a princess costume on Saturday instead.
So it's OK to worship the Lord of the Underworld, as long as it's not on a Sunday?
"You just don't do it on Sunday," said Sandra Hulsey of Greenville, Ga. "That's Christ's day. You go to church on Sunday, you don't go out and celebrate the devil. That'll confuse a child."
What about all the other inconsistencies they teach in church? Won't those confuse the children as well? These must be the same people who thought the Harry Potter movies promoted devil worship.
The patchwork of trick-or-treat zones could work to children's advantage: Some might go out on both nights to get all the treats they can.
That say's it all. The kids could give a shit about the devil, they are interested in candy.

Halloween is no more about celebrating the devil than Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Christ. Halloween is about candy. Christmas is about presents. Both are about money. It's all just a clever way for Wal-Mart and Target to sell a few billion dollars worth of extra merchandise every year.

Friday, October 15, 2004

No More BS Features

I was using a "tagboard" to post information about site updates, and other miscellaneous information. Now if I want to provide that information I'll put it in a real post. I did have a web poll, just for fun, but now it's gone. Why? Because more than 70% of web surfers are still using Microsoft's worthless browser. Therefore 70% or more of my readers were getting frequent pop-ups every time they visited my site.

Tagboards, web polls, and a lot of the other "free" webmaster tools available are all paid for by pop-ups. Until I come across a site that provides these tools without pop-ups, I won't be using them on my site.

If anyone knows of a good site for free webmaster tools, that don't spread a bunch of spyware, and cause a bunch of bull-shit advertising, please let me know. And please, for the love of God, switch to Mozilla. You won't regret it.


Hot Monkey Love

Experimental drug blocks HIV transmission in monkeys

And here all this time PETA has been saying we shouldn't test anything on monkey vaginas. If we listen to them, we might never be able to screw monkeys safely again.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

United Way is stupid.

So every year the United Way tries to extort money from millions of working class stiffs all over the country. And every year the company I work for gives out prizes to the idiots who give up part of their hard earned money to this so called charity. Of course my employer doesn't buy the prizes, they have them donated by other companies, that happen to be looking for an extra tax deduction.

While this annual collection plate passes around, I get these stupid E-mails to update me on how much money they have scammed, and which prizes they have given away. It usually looks something like this:

Our New Grand Total: $10,432!
Way to go, we've almost reached our goal!
Check out the great prizes we've given away!



So let me get this straight.

Donated by suckers who make $8 per hour: $10,432
Donated by gigantic multimillion dollar companies: Baseball Hat

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Eminem is too white for BET

Network Pulls Eminem Video After Jackson's Protest

So BET pulled Eminem's video because Michael Jackson started crying like a bitch. Is the network somehow under the impression that Michael is still black?
Black Entertainment Television has agreed to pull the video. The network's president and founder, Robert Johnson, said he felt it was inappropriate to disparage a celebrity.
What about all of Eminem's other videos? Don't they all disparage celebrities? That's his whole gig, making fun of celebrities. I mean come on, if you can't make fun of Michael Jackson, who can you make fun of?

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

My Manifesto Part 2.

I never realized how much fun writing a manifesto could be. Once I realized I had too many ideas to put in a reasonable size post. So here's part two of my Presidential campaign platform.

I will make it illegal for the states to require drivers to carry auto insurance. Auto insurance is a horrendous scam, and needs to be stopped. You pay these bastards hundreds of thousands of dollars over your lifetime, and as soon as you try to make a claim they raise your rates or cancel your policy. And why is auto insurance required by law, but health insurance isn't?

I will give everyone the option of wiping their credit record clean when they turn 30. If Citibank doesn't like it, they shouldn't lend money to kids just out of high school that have no idea what they are getting themselves into. I will also create an agency to combat all the other predatory lending practices utilized by all the major credit card companies.

I will make it illegal for any network to air more than 2 hours of reality TV per day. I will also make it illegal for any cable network to air more than 2 hours of shows involving lists of any type. I realize this will probably but VH1 out of business, but I don't care. I'm sick and tired of seeing shows with titles like "The 2037 Funniest Cookie Jar Related Moments of the 90s." I'm also sick of seeing the same 10 to 15 almost celebrities talking about stupid shit for 16 hours at a time.

I will make Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh battle each other to the death inside an authentic replica of Thunderdome. Of course that will happen during the fourth year of my presidency, because the first three years will be spent waiting for a special federally funded research facility to come up with bungee cords strong enough to support that kind of weight.

With these issues as the basis of my campaign I'm sure to win.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

My Manifesto Part 1.

I've decided I'm going to run for President of the United States of America. I've thought about it, and I've got the perfect platform. If I ever get seriously wealthy, I will run a real campaign based on the following promises.

I will fight to legalize Marijuana. An estimated 80 million Americans over the age of 12 have smoked pot at least once. That should translate to somewhere around 40 million votes.

I will come out in favor of legalizing prostitution. I will offer federal funds to for any state that wants to build a government-regulated whorehouse. I don't know exactly how many hookers there are in America, but I know the majority of them are in densely populated areas that hold higher numbers of electoral votes.

I will eliminate all federal income taxes for anyone making less than 100 grand per year. I estimate that will get me somewhere around 90 million votes.

I will deport all the illegal aliens. I will fill all the jobs they perform that everyone says no one else wants with prison labor. Of course the prison population will be considerably lower, because I will pardon everyone convicted of non-violent drug offences. This will secure the closet racist vote.

I will put the people at Google in charge of all government websites. I don't think this will get me very many more votes, but at least the government websites will finally make some Goddamn sense.

I will make executions accessible on pay-per-view. (The first person to be executed during my reign of terror will be Queen Latifa. Seriously, how much crap can be involved with before someone realizes that she has no talent?) The proceeds from these executions will all go to fund public schools, because children are our future.

Spurt! Suck One Down!


This is the soda my friends and I once wanted to develop.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

AOL, making crap more accessible.

AOL prepares its own browser

This is a good idea. I'm sure millions of surfers out there would love to use AOL's piece of shit browser, but just can't afford the service. I know I can't count the number of times I've awoken in a cold sweat, ill with the desire to surf the net with a browser that freezes every 2.3 seconds.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

I got reviewed, yea!

Overall I was given a positive review, so I'm not complaining. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't offer my response. Here's what The Reviewer had to say about my blog, followed by my comments.

Layout: 5/10 Standard but unspoiled by silly side bar graphics.

I haven't put any real effort into the layout, so this is fair.

Look and feel: 4/10 Some changes have been made to the template but to be honest it could do with some more Oxy-10 to remove those spots. Plus points for not stuffing up the side bar.

He's right. Those spots in the background are stupid. Maybe I'll replace them with something worth having, or just get rid of them all together. Or maybe I'll just leave them there because I'm lazy.

Wit and amusement: 9/10 Plentiful

That's right biatch

commentary: 8/10 I can not complain

That's also right biatch

Extra: 6/10 Tag-board, Heavy linkage care of blog linker and a bravenet affiliate link (+ Counter) but this is speckled with witty side comments which make for a good side bar flow

I might add some more extra's, but only if they are good. Once I have a loyal following I may decide to ditch bloglinker all together.

This interesting and frankly down-to-earth voice in the blog-o-sphere is a nice change and so, (whilst the pop-up that offended my browsing could definitely "shut-up"), the self-referential mock-brutalistic honesty is, at least, a healthy display of post-modern cynicism and, (in addition to being more openly mockingly-sarcastic than the reviewer), it is a refreshing change from the barrage of constant Americana-politic that has come my way in recent months.

Pop-up? That's probably from the Tag board, or one of the other stupid features I have on the sidebar. I never even knew there was a pop-up, because I browse with Mozilla Firefox. I very rarely see a pop-up, even when surfing for porn. IE is a piece of shit. So unless you like pieces of shit, I suggest you don't use it.

Monday, October 04, 2004

I work with morons

Ok, I'm back. Hopefully done with hurricanes now. I don't mind losing power for a couple of days, but I go crazy when my Internet access is out for a week. September was the longest month ever in the history of the world. Why you ask? Well I'm a supervisor over about 12 people in a call center. The phones got a little messed up from the storm. That I have no problem with, but just read this conversation I had as a result of the technical difficulties.

Darla: I just pressed “outgoing” and I started hearing someone’s bank account information

Me: That’s just a glitch with the phone systems, just hang up.

Darla: but how did that happen? I just pressed “outgoing” and I heard “automatic deposit: $325”

Me: It’s just a glitch, hang up.

Darla: Yeah I just picked up the phone and it was someone’s banking.

Me: So just hang up, and it will go away.

Darla: But how did that happen?

Maria: Someone called their bank, and then when you picked up you got it.

Me: Just hang up.

Darla: it said “automatic deposit: $325”

Maria: Did someone call their bank?

Pam raises her hand

Me: Ok, so just hang up.

Darla: But who’s was it?

Maria: It was Pam’s

Darla: So you had $325 deposited Pam.

Me: Ok, now you’ve broadcast it to the whole room, just hang up.

Darla: Pam got $325, she’s taking everyone out to lunch.

Me: God, please let me get mauled by a rabid weasel and die in agony.