Friday, September 03, 2004

Retard Killed in Hurricane, Details at 11!

I wasn't going to say anything else about Hurricane Frances, but the news around here is so ridiculous that I just can't help it. One of the local stations has set up this segment called "Ask Mike." The idea is for viewers to call him with their hurricane questions, rather than bothering the other toll free information hotlines like 911.

So Mike gets a call from this lady asking if pegboard would be a suitable material with which to board up her sliding glass doors. Mike gets a slightly concerned look on his face as he searches for words. I'm sure he didn't consider pegboard a safe alternative to say...sheet metal, but he obviously couldn't tell her that.

Mike did his best to keep the caller from panicking, without telling her that she was a moron, and therefore deserving of the debris that was soon going to fly through her window, and then through the skull of one of her 14 cats. Mike was a real pro. He managed to talk to the lady without making her panic, or giving her any advice on pegboard that could possibly end up getting the station sued.

Her first stupid question wasn't enough either. She then launched into a lengthy diatribe about the various methods she employed to protect the other parts of her house. These measures bared no resemblance to the behavior of a retard, so Mike happily approved of them hoping put an end to the call.

The lady, having been encouraged, now clearly felt she was a hurricane preparedness expert, so she decided the entire audience would benefit from disclosure of another one of her brilliant ideas. She told Mike that she had parked her van sideways in front of the endangered sliding glass doors, to help shield them from the wind.

I think Mike may have snapped a little bit here, but he did an excellent job of hiding his contempt and disbelief. "Sounds like you've really thought this all out, and you've done everything you can to prepare" he told said. "Maybe we should be getting our information from you." This was the sort of reassurance the lady was looking for, so she finally put an end to Mike's misery and finished the call.

I hope that lady's van blows right through her stupid sliding glass doors and kills her children. People that stupid shouldn't breed.


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