Tuesday, August 24, 2004

I Hate Birthdays

Today is my birthday. I hate birthdays. I’m not one of those people who always say they hate birthdays, and then get upset when no one gives them a card. I really hate birthdays. Since I’m the one driving this short bus, here are the top 5 reasons why I think birthdays suck.

5. I don’t know how to act when accepting gifts. If a gift is crappy, I still feel like I have to pretend that I like it. Everyone has this problem at least once in their life. My real problem is when a gift isn’t crappy I still don’t know how to act. I don’t want to kiss anyone’s ass, no matter what they give me.

4. I don’t like people giving me gifts out of a sense of obligation. Most people seem to think it’s a sin to ignore someone’s birthday. This leads to people buying you gifts, even if they really wouldn’t care if you choked to death during a Spam eating contest gone wrong.

3. I don’t like feeling obligated to give gifts to others on their birthdays. Not just gifts either. I don’t like to celebrate other people’s birthdays in any way, mostly because I wouldn’t care if they choked to death during a Spam eating contest gone wrong. I don’t care about their stupid birthday, and I don’t like pretending to care. But when everyone at the office pitches in to buy you a meat basket and a 5-dollar cake from the grocery store, they are expecting that you will return the favor when their birthday comes around.

2. It’s all about everyone else. Popular opinion is that your birthday is supposed to be your own personal holiday, where you get to have everything the way you want. But if I had everything the way I wanted it, everyone would just shut the fuck up and quit bothering me with their stupid balloons, and birthday cakes, and those Goddamn trick candles. Seriously, is anyone really tricked by trick candles anymore? I mean they’ve been around for years, and everyone knows what they are, so why do people still buy them? Dose anyone really expect the birthday person to be surprised? It’s like telling a stale knock-knock joke then basking in the forced laughter.

1. I don’t like being the center of attention. In the middle of all these things that I dislike, everyone is staring at me like they’re waiting for me to do a flip or something. The whole time I’m supposed to sit there and pretend like I’m enjoying it, even though I would like nothing more than gouge out their eyeballs with those stupid candles.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy birthday!
I'm just sending a greeting so you don't have to feel odd.

11:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am glad to see that you do in fact have some social graces; even though you perform them begrudgingly, you hateful sonofabitch.

4:35 PM  

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