Thursday, August 12, 2004

Get off the couch fat ass

480-pound woman dies after six years on couch

This is the funniest and most disturbing story I think I’ve ever read. The scariest part is that I lived in this neighborhood for about 7 months. We’ve all heard of people getting so fat that they have to be removed from their house with a crane, but I think this is even worse.

I mean this lady was literally a couch potato. She had grown into the couch. Her skin was grafted to the fabric from sitting there so long. And apparently the stench from her crapping herself all the time wasn’t enough for her or the guy who was living with her, because one of the two decided it would be a good idea to fling feces all over the floor, and all over the walls.

The rescue workers were wearing Bio Hazard suits because the duplex was so filthy. She was so fat that she wouldn’t fit into the ambulance, and they had to tow her away on a flatbed trailer, couch and all. Can you imagine the phone call that someone had to make to arrange that?

Bill (the rescue worker): Uh, Charlie this is Bill, how you doing?

Charlie: It’s after midnight, what do you want?

Bill: Well, we have a bit of a situation here, and I think we’re going to need your trailer.

Charlie: Why? What situation?

Bill: Well, there’s this woman the size of a baby elephant who has sat on her ass so long that she has become one with her couch. She’s having breathing problems for some reason, and we need to get her down to the ER. She’s too big to fit in the ambulance, and oh yeah; she’s also covered in dung.
And someone lived with this woman. How could anyone live in such conditions? Why wouldn’t he at least take the time to clean the crap off the wall? I think he should have got a floor jack to lift her up and slide a tarp underneath. Then he could have hosed her off every few days, and maybe once a month dump a bucked of bleach over her head to keep the stench under control. Sure she might not like it, but what’s she going to do about it?

I don’t care what anyone says, there is no excuse for getting this fat. At some point in this woman’s life she had to have made the decision that she just wasn’t going to get up again, even to take a shit. So it's her own damn fault. Still, I think this wins the award for worst possible way to die.


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