Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Dumbass builds his own plane.

Dover man's rare self-built plane to be on display

Apparently this retard didn’t realize that someone already built a flying machine almost 100 years ago. Way to go asshole.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Runner attacked by asshole

Irishman Gets Suspended Jail Term for Pushing Runner

The idea that crazy people should be locked up seems like an obvious one to me. If someone ran onto the middle of a racetrack during the middle of a car race, it seems only logical that he would be locked up and heavily medicated. Maybe that’s just another ignorant American ideology.

The more “enlightened” Europeans apparently didn’t see this guy as a danger to himself or others, and their failure to incarnate him basically cost this poor runner his gold medal. Meanwhile a Canadian with goldenpalace.com painted on his back “was sentenced to five months in prison for jumping off a springboard at the diving venue wearing a tutu over tights with blue polka dots.” So what, you can only avoid prison time if your lunacy costs someone their chance at a gold medal?

The worst part is that this guy still isn’t going to be locked up. His punishment is a lousy 3000 Euro fine, a 12 month suspended jail sentence, and a 3 month ban from entering any sports facilities. 3 months! Wow, I’m sure his apocalyptic madness will have subsided with in 3 months. He should try that shit during the Super Bowl and see how long it takes for someone to kick the crap out of him.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Douche Bag to retire from The Late Late Show.

Craig Kilborn Says Adios After Five Years
"Since announcing two weeks ago that he was leaving, the 42-year-old Kilborn has had difficulty explaining why he is walking away from a show that has seen its audience grow by more than a third during his tenure."

My theory is that after 5 long years he’s finally realized that he’s not funny. 5 years, and his audience has only grown by a third? Is that supposed to be good? They could replace this guy with colostomy bag infomercials and the ratings would probably grow faster than that.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

I Hate Birthdays

Today is my birthday. I hate birthdays. I’m not one of those people who always say they hate birthdays, and then get upset when no one gives them a card. I really hate birthdays. Since I’m the one driving this short bus, here are the top 5 reasons why I think birthdays suck.

5. I don’t know how to act when accepting gifts. If a gift is crappy, I still feel like I have to pretend that I like it. Everyone has this problem at least once in their life. My real problem is when a gift isn’t crappy I still don’t know how to act. I don’t want to kiss anyone’s ass, no matter what they give me.

4. I don’t like people giving me gifts out of a sense of obligation. Most people seem to think it’s a sin to ignore someone’s birthday. This leads to people buying you gifts, even if they really wouldn’t care if you choked to death during a Spam eating contest gone wrong.

3. I don’t like feeling obligated to give gifts to others on their birthdays. Not just gifts either. I don’t like to celebrate other people’s birthdays in any way, mostly because I wouldn’t care if they choked to death during a Spam eating contest gone wrong. I don’t care about their stupid birthday, and I don’t like pretending to care. But when everyone at the office pitches in to buy you a meat basket and a 5-dollar cake from the grocery store, they are expecting that you will return the favor when their birthday comes around.

2. It’s all about everyone else. Popular opinion is that your birthday is supposed to be your own personal holiday, where you get to have everything the way you want. But if I had everything the way I wanted it, everyone would just shut the fuck up and quit bothering me with their stupid balloons, and birthday cakes, and those Goddamn trick candles. Seriously, is anyone really tricked by trick candles anymore? I mean they’ve been around for years, and everyone knows what they are, so why do people still buy them? Dose anyone really expect the birthday person to be surprised? It’s like telling a stale knock-knock joke then basking in the forced laughter.

1. I don’t like being the center of attention. In the middle of all these things that I dislike, everyone is staring at me like they’re waiting for me to do a flip or something. The whole time I’m supposed to sit there and pretend like I’m enjoying it, even though I would like nothing more than gouge out their eyeballs with those stupid candles.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Getting drunk is Ok, as long as you do it by drinking.

Alcohol inhaling machine goes on display in New York; opponents warn of 'disaster waiting to happen'

Why is it every time someone comes out with a new way to have fun the government has to get involved and try to make it illegal? And why is it the government doesn’t want us inhaling anything that isn’t made with tobacco? I wonder how Uncle Sam would react if Philip Morris came out with an alcoholic cigarette. I imagine it would somehow find FDA approval.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Puta Gorda

Charley leaves Punta Gorda in ruins

At first I thought Punta Gorda was Spanish for “fat whore.” Which I thought was pretty funny. Especially when I read all the headlines and replaced Punta Gorda with Fat Whore. For example:

Charley leaves Fat Whore in ruins

Fat Whore hit hard by Charley

Bush tours ravaged Fat Whore
And my personal favorite
Outdoor services at a Fat Whore church

My fun ended with a quick translation on babblefish. I guess the Spanish word for whore is actually puta, not punta. Punta Gorda actually means fat end. It’s still amusing, but not nearly as funny.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Get off the couch fat ass

480-pound woman dies after six years on couch

This is the funniest and most disturbing story I think I’ve ever read. The scariest part is that I lived in this neighborhood for about 7 months. We’ve all heard of people getting so fat that they have to be removed from their house with a crane, but I think this is even worse.

I mean this lady was literally a couch potato. She had grown into the couch. Her skin was grafted to the fabric from sitting there so long. And apparently the stench from her crapping herself all the time wasn’t enough for her or the guy who was living with her, because one of the two decided it would be a good idea to fling feces all over the floor, and all over the walls.

The rescue workers were wearing Bio Hazard suits because the duplex was so filthy. She was so fat that she wouldn’t fit into the ambulance, and they had to tow her away on a flatbed trailer, couch and all. Can you imagine the phone call that someone had to make to arrange that?

Bill (the rescue worker): Uh, Charlie this is Bill, how you doing?

Charlie: It’s after midnight, what do you want?

Bill: Well, we have a bit of a situation here, and I think we’re going to need your trailer.

Charlie: Why? What situation?

Bill: Well, there’s this woman the size of a baby elephant who has sat on her ass so long that she has become one with her couch. She’s having breathing problems for some reason, and we need to get her down to the ER. She’s too big to fit in the ambulance, and oh yeah; she’s also covered in dung.
And someone lived with this woman. How could anyone live in such conditions? Why wouldn’t he at least take the time to clean the crap off the wall? I think he should have got a floor jack to lift her up and slide a tarp underneath. Then he could have hosed her off every few days, and maybe once a month dump a bucked of bleach over her head to keep the stench under control. Sure she might not like it, but what’s she going to do about it?

I don’t care what anyone says, there is no excuse for getting this fat. At some point in this woman’s life she had to have made the decision that she just wasn’t going to get up again, even to take a shit. So it's her own damn fault. Still, I think this wins the award for worst possible way to die.

Friday, August 06, 2004

6 degrees of Kevin Bacon.

This site is amazing. You never have to lose this game again.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

911 to the rescue

Police rescue puppy stuck in a recliner

How heartwarming.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

It’s all fun and games until the pictures get leaked to the press

U.S. Soldiers Abused Iraqis 'For Fun,' Court Told

Oh Girls just wana have fun.