Saturday, July 31, 2004

No beer for the troops

Va. Native Convicted Of Stealing SUV in Iraq

Imagine every day you are in very real danger of being killed, or captured and tortured. If you let your guard down you could end up with a rusty knife at your throat and a camcorder in your face. Now imagine that you commandeer a vehicle in the middle of this war zone, and the next thing you know you’re being charged with armed robbery like you’re some kind of petty car thief.

On top of all that, you’re not even allowed to slam down a couple of beers once in a while. I can’t believe they expect our solders to endure those kinds of conditions without the option of an occasional cold one.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

I Hate Chain Letters

Someone forwarded one of those stupid E-mail chain letters to me today. I won’t bore you with the letter itself; it was just the typical mail-this-to-everyone-you-know-or-you-will-be-tortured-to-death-in-a-Vietnamese-POW-camp type of chain letter. As with most of these letters it included some mushy nonsense. You know what I’m talking about. Sometimes it’s a sappy story about a crippled kid that is supposed to be inspiring. Sometimes it’s a sad story about domestic abuse, and the triumph of some stupid woman over incredible odds.

Anyway, in case you didn’t guess, I hate chain letters. So here is the response I sent to this most recent chain letter.

This is a Chain letter. It holds no more good luck than any other piece of Spam (the E-mail kind, or the meat kind). Nor does it have any mystical properties that will make you get hit by a bus, or killed in an elevator accident, or attacked by wallabies. You will notice that I have waited well over 6 minutes to respond to this Chain letter, and yet I have remained completely free of wallaby attacks. 

If these stupid letters held any of the powers they claim to, then choking on toothpicks or falling through manhole covers would become the leading causes of death. And while all the non-believers are dying in unusual ways, all the idiots who believe in this nonsense would be constantly finding giant bags of money, and discovering oil in their backyard.

No one has EVER died from failing to respond to a chain letter. No one has EVER discovered ultimate happiness from forwarding a chain letter. The only thing that a chain letter really does is help get your E-mail address on another SPAM list. So next time you get one of these stupid letters, you should take every other piece of SPAM in your inbox and forward it back to the idiot who sent it to you.

If you hate Chain letters as much as I do, then I suggest you E-mail this to everyone you know. If you don’t send it to at least 67 people within the next 2 seconds a toilet will fall out of the sky and crush your skull.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Death of the 40 hour work week

Overtime rules will change in August

The Government is getting ready to put a new set of rules that will regulate what kinds of employees will be eligible for overtime pay. Have you heard anything about this in the mainstream media? I know I haven’t.

I looked at the Department of Labor website and the rules look like they are open to a lot of interpretation. The only thing that is really clear is that anyone making less than $455 per week is still eligible for overtime pay for anything over 40 hours per week. The Bush Administration is playing it off as though it will only affect the wealthy. Considering how muddled the rules are I find that hard to believe.

The biggest criticism I’ve read about new rules is that nurses will no longer be legally entitled to overtime pay. Of course with the high demand for nurses most will probably be unaffected, but we’ll have to wait and see. The way I understand it, anyone who can be considered management will also no longer be legally entitled to overtime pay. It’s about time someone put that rich bastard who manages the McDonalds in his place.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

The Geeks can finally sleep at night

Special Announcement: Episode III Title

In a shocking announcement yesterday Lucasfilm revealed that it’s upcoming Star Wars prequel will have a title that actually doesn’t sound like it was chose by a retard. Hundreds of Super Geeks simultaneously creamed their pants when the announcement was first made at a major comic book convention in San Diego. Revenge of the Sith might sound like a silly title, but when compared to the titles of the first two Star Wars prequels it’s like Shakespeare.

Friday, July 23, 2004

No child left behind…except for these 145 thousand.

States Cut Health Insurance for 145,000 Kids

But the economy is rebounding big time.

Just because you don’t have a penis doesn’t mean you're not a man.

Florida Court Rules Transsexual Marriage Invalid

I just don’t get it. I always saw marriage as a religious institution. So why does the government regulate it? And why do all the freaks (and yes they are freaks) want so badly to find the acceptance of an institution that has hated them for thousands of years? And why can’t homosexuals and transsexuals just leave the church alone, and let it go on believing that they evil?

The way I see it, if you can find a religion to sanction your marriage then Uncle Sam should mind his business. But don’t expect the Pope to acknowledge the sanctity of your union anytime soon.

Monday, July 19, 2004

The great Uhrichsville dead dog caper.

Cape-wearing teen ruled out as suspect in death of dog
The police don’t think the local freak is responsible for sawing Sparky’s head off. Maybe they should investigate
these people

If not them, I hear old man Schmitty has been acting very strange lately, ever since the old amusement park was abandoned.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Mama, where’s Rusty?

Dog found decapitated

A dog bit me in this town on my birthday. I hope it was this one.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Bobo Bites the Big one

Questions Mount As Community Mourns Loss Of Tarzan's Tiger

Are these people insane? This jackass thinks it’s a good idea to keep a 600 lb wild animal in his backyard, and he’s shocked when it gets shot for wandering around town. Now all of his neighbors are saying that animal control is to blame. That’s like leaving your briefcase sitting on the ground next to a gas pump, driving off, and then expressing outrage when the bomb squad sends a robot in to tote it off and blow it up.

Do these people actually think that they should be allowed to keep giant jungle animals in the backyard? Just because you put something in a cage doesn’t make it a pet. Bobo is better of dead anyway.

I think this guy got a little too into character back when he was playing Tarzan. I hope one of his remaining felines bites his nads off.

14 year old female sex offender

Girl, 14, Ordered to Sign Sex Offenders' Register

Kids these days. The little boy she “assaulted” will probably turn out to be gay. What kind of little fruit would get beat up by a girl, and then have her arrested?

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Delaying the election?

Officials discuss how to delay Election Day

I don’t like the sound of this. If there is an attack, how severe does it have to be to warrant a delay? And how long will that delay last? Will there be a delay if an attack occurs a week before? A month? This just sounds like too much power to give an agency that is run by an appointee.

Viva La Raza

Amnesty eyed for illegal aliens

Before I even get into this, let me just say that I intend to vote for John Kerry. I’m not too happy about it, but I really don’t see much choice. Bush is an utter failure as a president, and an embarrassment to our nation. He’s not even a real Republican. I point this out only because I previously made a negative comment about Michael Moore, and I was accused of being a moron.

That being said, its stories like this that make me wish there was a legitimate 3rd choice. I will vote Kerry because I think the country clearly needs a change in leadership, but that doesn’t mean I trust him. Why should I trust someone who would show such disregard for our laws just to please a voting block? The worst part is that Bush is doing the same thing.

"Out of common sense and fairness, our laws should allow willing workers to enter our country and fill jobs that Americans are not filling," George W. Bush
Ok. Well then how about offering amnesty to the millions of Americans who smoke pot, but somehow manage to remain gainfully employed? More than 20 million Americans have smoked pot in the last year. That could translate to a lot of votes, so why doesn’t anyone pander to the pothead constituency? As usual it’s all about the money.

First off, drug companies give a lot of money to politicians. They also employ legions of lobbyists to push their agenda. These companies don’t want a drug like pot, that can people can easily grow at home, to become legal. There is simply too much money involved for any politician to find enough balls to stand up to these corporations.

Politicians don’t want to make pot legal for the same reason they want to give a pass to illegal aliens. The agricultural and construction industries have lobbyists too, and they save a boatload of money on cheap illegal labor. It’s a win-win issue for politicians, because they can make the lobbyists happy, and secure more Hispanic votes at the same time.

I know the argument about how these people come here and do the jobs that no one else wants, but I think that is bullshit. There are plenty of Americans who would do those jobs. The only difference is that Americans would demand higher pay and benefits. It’s not that we are lazy; it’s just that we demand fair treatment.

This notion that Americans are the laziest people on the planet is ridiculous. Americans take less vacation days than any other industrialized nation, including Japan. The Japanese have a reputation for hard work and discipline, but on average they get 17.5 paid vacation days every year, compared to our 10.2. Even in China the people get 15 days of vacation by law. In the US there is no minimum amount of vacation required by law.
Not only do we take less vacation, but we also work more hours.

Offering amnesty to illegal immigrants sends a bad message. Why should anyone go through the proper channels to get here when they can just break the law and get away with it? And what about those who did it the right way? They come here for a better life too, and the fact that they respected our laws enough to do it legally shows that they are more likely to assimilate to the culture.

It’s easy to think of the poor hard working immigrant who risked his life crossing the desert to find employment in America. It’s easy to think about this immigrant and think, “why not give him or her amnesty?” But don’t forget that amnesty would also be giving a pass to all of those employers who were unscrupulous enough to hire illegal workers. Is it OK that these companies took advantage of immigrants? Is it Ok for them to provide poor working conditions and low wages? If you think about it like this, amnesty isn’t really about helping Latinos at all.

Friday, July 09, 2004

The American Dream

Lottery winner is 68-year-old cleaning woman

How come it’s always some old bag who wins the big jackpots? It’s always someone who’s only got about 10 years left to live, or a shop full of bicycle mechanics who pooled their money and bought 200 tickets. It’s never someone young and struggling to establish financial stability.

Ever one thinks it’s great too. They think that people like this actually deserve to win. I don’t see what makes them so deserving. Just because she was a cleaning lady her whole life? So what. If she didn’t want to be a cleaning lady she should have got a different job. She should have worked her way through college, or started a business. Just because she was too stupid to ever make anything out of herself, that makes her deserving of a big reward at the end of her life?

I think the money would be better off in the hands of someone who might be smart enough to figure out what to do with it. She’s just going to give a bunch to charity, and buy a house, and a car and a lifetime supply of Windex. Charity is a scam anyway, and her hoodlum kids will probably burn the house down and crash the car. She’ll end up with nothing but the Windex, which she can use when she has to go back to cleaning houses.

Monday, July 05, 2004

He’s Alive!!!!

Iraq Group Says U.S. Marine Hostage Moved to 'Safety'

So first we were told that he was dead. Now we’re being told that he’s alive, and he’s even going to be set free. Why is he being set free? They say because he agreed to desert and not return to the US. Something fishy is going on here if you ask me.

If he really has been released, then I suspect he was never in danger at all. I think the guy was trying to desert from the beginning, and these people were willing to help him do that in exchange for making a little tape. I mean these people sent faxes to his relatives to assure them that he had not been killed. That’s a very friendly act for terrorists.

Show me the Money

This website is very interesting. It shows you how much money different corporations donate to different political parties. Some of the numbers might surprise you. Upon first glance it might seem like every corporation is supporting the Republicans. Everyone knows that the Republican Party has more money, and they are supposed to be a corporation’s best friend.

What I found most surprising is that Lockheed Martin, the infamous weapons manufacturer, gives more money to the Democrats than to the Republicans. Something else I found interesting, for those of you who believe in the right wing media conspiracy theory, is that nearly all of the media companies give more money Democrats. Fox news channel, of course, is one exception. The other is Clear Channel Communications, which is the radio empire responsible for all the right wing talk shows on AM radio.

So as far as the media goes, the Democrats have TV and movies, the Republicans have AM radio. So everyone can quit bitching about how all the news channels are in bed with the Republican Party.

All that aside, the thing you should be most concerned about is that BOTH parties are receiving huge amounts of money from all of these companies. If you look at the top 10 contributors for both parties you will notice there are 6 companies on both lists. In other words, no matter which side wins, they are indebted to giant corporations.

Is Michael Moore really Rush Limbaugh?

Anonymous said...
i think i will take Moore over Bush any day thanks. At least he has an intellect.I am not so sure about you.
See, I make one remark about this bloated bomb thrower, and suddenly you think I’m a moron. Well just take some more Ritalin and try to calm down. I never said I liked Bush either Ok. You might have noticed that if you read the entire post.

Just because Moore has a stronger intellect than Bush doesn’t automatically make him a great person. What I don’t like about Moore is his attitude that his movies are 100% truth, with no spin whatsoever, and anyone who disagrees is some kind of right wing lunatic.

I just don’t like it when people present opinion as gospel truth. I don’t like Michael Moore for the same reason I don’t like Rush Limbaugh. If they decided to switch sides tomorrow, would anyone be able to tell the difference? In fact I think they might be the same person. Think about it, have you ever seen those two fat disgusting blowhards together in the same room? I’m just saying…

Anyway, my point is that if you think that Michael Moore didn’t distort reality to make Fahrenheit 9/11 then you’re the one who has no intellect.

Who do you trust?

Analyzing "Fahrenheit 9/11": It's accurate — to a degree

I don’t consider myself a Bush supporter by any stretch of the imagination. Still, I remember all the misleading half-truths Michael Moore used in Bowling for Columbine, and considering that Fahrenheit 9/11 could influence an election, I think it’s important that people know the facts.

Burglar alarm causes twenty minutes of customer service hell

Want what with that?

If anyone is wondering why I keep posting stories from this paper, it’s because of articles like this. Imagine one of the top stories in your local newspaper involves an alarm going off for 20 minutes.

This is the other reason. If you call the number at the bottom you have thirty seconds to say your piece and the paper will print it. They will print anything too; it doesn’t even have to make sense. My wife grew up in this town. When she was a little kid she called up and said it wasn’t fair that she had to eat her vegetables, and they actually printed it. The phone # is (330) 364-1939, and you can call 24 hours a day. Talk about freedom of the press.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

You’ve got Mail!

Who Could Be Reading Your E-Mail?

This is a pretty clear indication that the people in the judicial system are out of touch with the reality of today’s technology. I wouldn’t worry though; I imagine this ruling will be overturned. Judges don’t have to worry about being re-elected, but Congressmen do.

Marine Loses his head

Abductors Claim Marine Beheaded

I would just like to take a moment here to praise the metrical that is the home video recorder. These extremists hate the west, but they don’t mind western technology when it suits their purpose. These tapes are being released more often than Stephen King books, and their effectiveness is beginning to weaken.

When the Nick Burg tape was released, everyone was shocked, and it was all over the media. Not as near as often as Abu Ghraib of course, but just enough that everyone could remember the guy’s name. Now they’ve churned out so many of these things that it seems like no one even cares anymore. We Americans have an amazing ability to ignore things like this, because we are not directly affected.

So it looks like they went ahead and lopped the marine’s head off, even though he was a fellow Muslim. But what you aren’t hearing a lot about is exactly how they managed to capture him in the first place. It seems that a US Marine would be a difficult person to kidnap, what with the big guns they tend to carry around and all. Well when they say that “the circumstances of his absence (during which he was abducted) are under investigation” what they really mean is that he appears to have been a deserter.

Where he a little less, shall we say “Christianally Challenged”, I’m sure the media would have been all over this little fact.

Friday, July 02, 2004

The Pimp Hand is strong with this one

Teacher charged with having sex with 14-year-old student

On behalf of teenage boys in schools all across the country, I say let this woman go IMEDIATELY!

If I were this kid, I would be saving the news clippings, because no one will ever believe him when he gets older. Take a look at these pictures of Debra Beasley Lafave, and tell me, did any of your teachers look like this?


Ah, if only I were 14 again.

Free Speech, on sale now for $1.5 million

$1.5 million fine for Stern?

Could someone explain to me, how is this not censorship? How come Oprah can talk about sex on her show, but Howard can’t on his? Is it just because they have different approaches, Howard making light of the topic, and Oprah treating it more clinically?

What about other day time talk shows? Doesn’t the FCC know about the filth that is broadcast on network TV between the hours of 3 and 5pm, the same time children across the nation are watching after school cartoons?

A poor choice of getaway vehicles

Bandit on bike holds up Barton bank; suspect's wife wanted

Who would rob a bank and then escape on a bicycle? Apparently this dumbass would.

Teen fined 50 dollars for running down two pedestrians

Teen's license suspended after pedestrian crash

Of course 50 dollars to these people is probably like a years salary.

Pedestrian struck by truck

I think they might have an epidemic in this town. Maybe they need to form a Uhrichsville Truck Death Commission to investigate.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

My Spidey sense tells me someone is committing video piracy!

Sixteen-Year-Old Apprehended for Recording `Spider-Man 2'

Thank God this dirt bag is off the streets. They should have a scene in Spiderman 3 where Spiderman goes into a movie theater and stops some ne'er-do-well from video taping a movie. Maybe after that he could swing into an old folks home and bust some granny for illegally downloading Busta Rhymes songs.

We’ll quit letting people visit their families, that will show them!

US tighten Cuban travel regulations

I really don’t get it. What’s the point? Sanctions haven’t worked after 40 years, and while we refuse to trade with Cuba, we have open trade relations with China. So if the Cubans started making electronic equipment instead of cigars would we suddenly decide that they had an “OK” form of dictatorship?

And why now? Because they’re having money problems? Haven’t they been having money problems for the past 40 years? Wasn’t that the point of sanctions in the first place?