Thursday, December 23, 2004

Move on dot Ed

There comes a time in every blog's life when it's time to move to a new host. For this blog, that time is now. From now on I will be posting at www.shutuped.com. See you there.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

I'd like to thank the academy.

I saw that Mango nominated me for a BOB award for Snarkiest Blogger. Thanks, but it looks like this bitch has a much better shot at winning. She's been whoring for it all month, and the extent of my whoring resides in this post. Too bad they don't have a biggest bastard award. I might win that.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Would you like freedom fries with that?


My last review went over so well I've decided I will continue this series as long as I keep getting suggestions for products. If you want to make a suggestion, keep in mind that these reviews are only for products I have never used, and have no intention of buying

The product for this review was again suggested by Suki, who writes:
"I'm assuming it tastes like any other, but you're the reviewer."
Oh no my dear friend, W Ketchup does not taste like any other ketchup. W Ketchup tastes like it was plucked from condiment shelf of God. All the feeble attempts other companies have made at producing ketchup are put to shame by the culinary masterpiece that is W Ketchup.

From the W Ketchup website:
"The leading competitor not only has 57 varieties, but has 57 foreign factories as well. W Ketchup comes in one flavor: American."
You see, the competitor's ketchup is fowled with the bitter tang of left wing hatred towards America. W Ketchup, however, is flavored with the delicious sweat of decent hard working American factory workers. American factory worker sweat is rich in vitamins and nutrients, while the sweat of those filthy foreign ketchup factory workers is loaded with toxins and trans fatty acids.

We should all thank the good Lord for bringing us W Ketchup. Finally decent God-fearing Christians have something to put on their freedom fries. It's a good thing too, because if you use any other brand of ketchup Satan will rape you with a barbed wire dildo as you burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity. Don't believe me? Just look at this warning in the fine print on a packet of Heinz Ketchup.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

So unless you want your ass to get turned into a ketchup factory, go visit W Ketchup right now, and order a lifetime supply. If you're still in doubt, just remember...Satan doesn't use lube.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

I ought to be in pictures.

I just found out that an old friend of mine recently set up a website. His site doesn't have much on it yet, but he does have these two videos clips from way back in 1998. Pay close attention to the credits.


5.42mb

3.93mb

You must have Quicktime installed to view.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Cargo Magazine can suck it.



So I get an "invoice" in the mail from Cargo Magazine, saying that my account is past due. The funny thing is I never ordered a subscription to Cargo Magazine. I've seen this trick many times before, but this time they were rather nasty about the whole business. The invoice threatened to send my account to a collection agency. Here's the text of their letter:
Dear Edward:

Your past due account has been forwarded to my attention. Please be advised that any account that remains unpaid is turned over to an outside collection agency, and the account-holder's delinquent status will stay in effect.

If you have paid, please enclose a copy of your check, showing our endorsement and deposit number.

If not, remit payment immediately or log onto www.pay.cargomag.com

Charles Simpson
for CARGO

P.S. Once payment is received, we will send your FREE GIFT!
Oh you're going to send a collection agency after my ass over a lousy 10 dollars for a magazine I never asked for and never received? Go for it fuck nut. My credit has been in the toilet for the past 4 years anyway, so even if they did try something so stupid, I really wouldn't care.

I was going to just write them a nasty letter telling them that I don't want anything to do with their bullshit advertisements disguised as "articles", or any of their slick pop culture bullshit. But then I had a better idea. I decided to send an invoice to them, demanding that they pay me for my freelance writing services. It's a little tough to read in the screenshot, so here's the text of the letter:
Dear Charles Simpson:

You recently placed an order with my company for a 500-word article discussing the unscrupulous tactics large publishers use to intimidate people into buying their shitty magazines. If you are having trouble finding a record of this order I advise you to fire your secretary. This official looking invoice should be all the proof you need that the order was indeed placed.

Please be advised that any amount that remains unpaid will be turned over to an outside collection agency.

Edward
for Shut Up Inc

P.S. We are a big and powerful corporation with the ability to generate an invoice with a logo and everything, so you better pay up or we will destroy your credit rating and have your children eaten by lions.
I only hope they are stupid enough to send me the money.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Kettler Apollo Inversion Table

Kettler Apollo Inversion Table




I've decided to add a new feature to my blog. I'm going to start writing reviews for products I have never used and have no intention of buying in the near future. I will choose the products I review based suggestions from my readers. If no one makes a suggestion, I might never do this again. Then again I might just get random suggestions from a chat room.

Suki, one of my pals from Blog Explosion, suggested the first product up for review, The Kettler Apollo Inversion Table. Volkswagen has nothing on this piece of German engineering brilliance. Who would have ever thought that a human being would want to be hung upside down by their feet? The Germans, that's who.

Originally designed for torturing Jews during the holocaust, this device was at first considered a miserable failure. The inventor, along with his lovely wife and darling children, were tossed in an oven and cooked alive for disappointing the Fuhrer. 5 days later a death camp guard named Dietrich Chiropractor climbed down from the watchtower after a long day of sniping and discovered that the device did wonders for his chronic back pain. Dietrich and all the other guards had a good laugh, and the Chiropractic profession was born.

So run out and buy one of these bad boys today, you won't regret it. With all the hours you must have spent sitting on your ass glued to a computer screen to find this site, the Kettler Apollo Inversion Table will be your spine's new best friend.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Get out of the church you stupid dyke

Lesbian Minister's Credentials Revoked

Dear Irene Elizabeth,

You're here, your queer, and we're all used to it so shut your mouth. But just because you're out of the closet doesn't mean that everyone has to like you. This is still America, and people are still free to hate your stinking guts for no good reason. The majority of churches in the country don't accept your lifestyle. Tough shit. Get over it. Living a lifestyle that the church frowns upon doesn't make you anything special.

Why do you find it so important for the church to accept you anyway? What's the big deal? Can't you find God on your own? If you really need a support group to handle your spirituality why don't you start your own? Start your own congregation, find your own followers, and maybe even convert a few members from that oppressive cult to which you once belonged.

If that sounds like too much work, why don't you just find a more "progressive" church to accept you. I hear the Church of Elvis is looking for members. I don't know how the king felt about carpet munchers, but I'm sure the church is very open-minded. If not there's always scientology. They'll take anyone.

Whatever you decide to do, I beg you to please shut the fuck up, and move on with your life.

Sincerely,

Ed